Memaknai Sebuah Kehidupan

Trying to understand so many things

2012-02-02T01:17:00.001+08:00

I am an anaesthetist, a wannabe intensivist, trying to understand nephrology....

I am a clinician, trying to understand research....

Am I too late? Supposed to endevour on this over the past 2 years...

Only to Allah we turn for help and forgiveness.

The loneliness of this PhD journey

2011-12-07T05:08:00.005+08:00

Never that I imagine this PhD journey will be this lonely....I am currently at the bottom of my motivation, if not for the belief in Allah swt, I may be in total loss...

Read this interesting article to describe this journey

http://thethesiswhisperer.wordpress.com/2010/10/26/the-loneliness-of-the-long-distance-thesis-writer/

Islamic Book for spiritual enlightment

2011-12-06T03:45:00.004+08:00

Hati Sebening Air Mata (Islahul Qulub) by Amr Khalid

Dilemma

2011-12-01T02:31:00.001+08:00

Conflict inwards...i pray for your sakiinah ya Allah..

I have loss the motivation to continue with this....

Perseverance

2011-11-14T05:40:00.001+08:00

High degree of perseverance is needed

How to recharge oneself?

2011-10-13T02:10:00.002+08:00

How to recharge myself and restart the momentum after a setback. 2 days of slow progress, refusing to deal with it. Could not waste anymore of this precious time. Wake up and progress. Accept it as a challenge. The glass is half full, not half empty. Ameen, Ya Allah guide me...bestow upon us, knowledge seekers assistance in this path.....ameen....

A setback

2011-10-10T14:36:00.001+08:00

Ya Allah, please give me strength and guidance....ameen, ya Allah

Research Saves Lives

2011-10-07T08:56:00.001+08:00

"It does not seems important, but it is! So, I'm bothering telling you so. Dr Seuss, The Sleep Book"

Doing this phd thingy things always makes me wonder whether what I am doing is actually going to make any difference. But, remembering these keep my motivation....

Another change

2011-10-06T10:00:00.003+08:00

Life has become a repetition, again the cycle begins...the cycle of doubting oneself. I need a change, hence this change of template of this blog. I value this as a means to reflect and ponder on...time to remind oneself the real purpose of this life. The purpose of this knowledge pursuit, ameen Ya Allah, remind me always...

Trust in Allah

2011-09-27T13:08:00.002+08:00

I joined the weekly class on Tafsir Quran conducted by Sister Salwa since the past 2 weeks. We are into Surah At-Taubah now. Alhamdulillah, I learn so much from this class, there're a lot of reminder for us. One of the reminder that we got is to give 100% effort in what we are doing, and put 100% trust in Allah, how beautiful it is, how peaceful we will be..

Ghaflah

2011-09-22T01:55:00.001+08:00

Lupa dan lalai dengan keindahan duniawi. Masa yang begitu berharga di sia-siakan sahaja, nanti kelak akan ditanya untuk apakah masa itu digunakan, untuk apakah kurniaan Illahi ini di bazirkan? Apakah jawapannya? Sedar tapi masih tetap melakukannya, kotorkah hati ini? Ya Allah, ampunkanlah aku, jadikan aku hari ini lebih baik dari semalam, dan hari2 esok lebih baik dari sebelumnya, ameen

Qasidah Burdah

2011-09-21T08:07:00.002+08:00

Ya Allah, grant me in my heart the love to Rasulullah s.a.w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsoAOOFyQc8

2nd Spring in Christchurch

2011-09-20T12:58:00.001+08:00

MasyaAllah, it is a beautiful spring in Christchurch. Magnolias, daffodils, cherry blossoms sprung everywhere, and a sunny warm weather today makes it even more beautiful.

I am reading another book by Dr Amr Khaled on how to attain makrifatuLlah, it can be achieved by appreciating our surrrounding, Allah's creation...kitabullah almandzur...

Ya Allah, help me to be near to you, help me to love you and your rasul more than anyone else, guide me, Ya Allah....

Update

2011-09-16T15:07:00.005+08:00

I have been busy catching up with endless data entering for a study. How much I need to catch up, alhamdulillah hubby is willing to help....MasyaAllah...in between those data entering, I received a piece of a very good news, syukur alhamdulillah one of a major piece of our research paper has been accepted for publication without further revision....Ya Allah, praise be with you.....I am blessed with all the good tidings that you have bestowed upon us. We hope with all this blessing, we will further strive to become a better mu'min and mu'minah, ameen....help us to better ourselves.

MasyaAllah again, the previous competition I entered (although I did not win) end up well. Alhamdulillah I am able to deliver the best that I could, and alhamdulillah again, I received a good review from the judges....I sincerely wanted to share the good news with my colleagues, in the hope it will also become an inspiration to them.....forgive me Ya Allah, if there is a speck of riya' in this, forgive me....Ya Allah.....

Excerpt of video from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCcNTSfBtmg

Eid Mubarak to all

2011-09-05T10:38:00.001+08:00

Eid Mubarak to all...

2011-08-25T09:44:00.001+08:00

Here and there, now and then

2011-08-07T05:36:00.005+08:00

It's Ramadhan month again.......alhamdulillah I have the opportunity to meet Ramadhan again, with the aim insyaALlah to become a better person, better abid, better muslimah....ameen

On the first of Ramadhan itself, I had been bestowed with rahmah from Allah swt...the unexpected gift, that could possibly increase my self confidence, but hopefully not to the extent of riya'. Unexpectedly against the other 12 contestants, I have been blessed as the winner of our campus heat in the 3-min thesis competition. It was unexpected but a welcome gift. It certainly helps my injured/scarred self confidence, and hopefully heal my self doubt. My main supporter i.e my co-SV is happy, and I am happy to be able to make him happy, at least it is something in return for all the help he has given me, including editing the content of my presentation in this competition. I remember being afraid of stumbling myself to the chagrin of him infront of others, and my prayer has been answered in this blessed Ramadhan, but I did not pray to win, it is an added bonus, but also a small ujian to test whether I will be riya' etc. I received congratulations from many, including some prominent persons in the campus, and the postgraduate office. Alhamdulillah, I am happy to show to them that as a muslimah (in a veil) I am still able to deliver...........
Just to share the email from my co-SV to the other SVs and colleagues....."Congratulations Azrina, conquerer of the 3 minute thesis competition. Today, in the face of a daunting array of opponents and in front of a full house, Azrina won the University of Otago Christchurch 3 minute thesis competition. She was superb - with only a little help from Drs Suess and Bob the Builder she communicated what her thesis was about and why she was doing it. She'll now get the chance to take that story to Dunedin. Well done Azrina." Now the challenge of competing in a bigger auditorium, with more competent contesters, and possibly on the first Eid, away from family in Dunedin....I do not aim to win, but just to deliver, and prove that being a Muslim, we can deliver the best, ameen, only with Your help Allah, I can do this, and I seek forgiveness if there is a speck of riya' in this, forgive me, Ya Allah...

Life and interpretation

2011-07-27T15:29:00.008+08:00

Meaning to write something about life and interpretation, but having a 'word-block'....not in the mood.........hence this change......Love it! I always like to have this artistic handwriting, but I am not artistic enough.....Maybe later will revisit this issue. But at this moment, I am enjoying this blog as a mean to vent myself.......

Oh yeah, it was snowing two days ago...heavily, the heaviest snow fall in 15 years, how it changes the view completely......

Success...happiness....tranquility

2011-07-21T14:40:00.007+08:00

As a child, I have been brought up in a family that emphasis on education. Success in education means love, praises, gifts, preferences, and all the good thing that comes with it, and failure equates the other side of it. At least that was what I felt when I was a child. I am grateful to my parents, as if they have not done it, I may not end up being where I am now....and I began to accept it as the way of life throughout my adult life. I was and still am forcing myself to the limit for this.....but having achieved all that, does it equates to happiness and tranquility? AM I HAPPY? I should be, I have been blessed with lots of success in education all throughout the years......but am I really happy to the state of achieving tranquility? What worries me now? The inability to succeed in my PhD quest......again and again this drive is haunting me......Why do I worry so much? Looking back, I began to question what is the true meaning of success. We have succumbed to the society's definition of success, the status quo that we need to achieve....How to get away from this definition that has been deeply imbued in our belief?

Positivism

2011-07-17T09:13:00.002+08:00

This morning I have decided to do away from these negative feelings. I am to start this day with positive feelings, and faced all challenges ahead with positive thinking. Anything, everything that happened is the best for us already pre-ordained by ALlah swt, even when we cannot see it at the moment. Husnul Zan is the word (All is well....from the hindustani movie, the 3 idiots, love the show..it really challenges the status quo we put ourselves into). It is easier said than done, it was put into test just after I have said it, looking again at the endless paper and the work which I really think is really under the par for the PhD, I am down again, but reminding myself about this positivism, makes me want to go further. InsyaAllah will try harder again. Never that I imagine this educational journey will stimulate so much of a conflict within myself, it is an upgrading journey, insyaAllah that will eventually makes me into a better person, ameen.

Self Doubt

2011-05-25T07:10:00.002+08:00

Self-doubt has been a major daily issue in my pursuit of this degree. I am tired dealing with this, it is never ending, and even not coumaflaged by the positive words received from my supervisors and the advisory board.....why is well done, outstanding, and excellent are still not enough? Why is with every praise words that I received, I think of the hidden negative words they want to hide from me? This is further compounded by a not too positive feedback that I have been getting for my written english and the content of the recent paper. Even if the feedback had several praise words in between, I succumbed into further self-doubt. How to increase self confidence? I am really lacking of it!!!

Requirement of PhD candidate by Otago University

2011-05-17T09:47:00.001+08:00

A successful PhD thesis will demonstrate the candidate's ability to conduct original research and to present the findings of that research to a professional standard. The thesis should give evidence that the candidate has made a significant contribution to knowledge in the particular field. On the award of the degree, the graduate should be a person capable of conceiving, designing and carrying out high-quality research in the area of their expertise without supervision.

As the highest degree awarded by the University of Otago for research supervised by members of the academic staff, the PhD requires a high degree of scholarly acumen, independence and perseverance.

Layakkah aku?

The Road to Allah

2011-05-17T09:38:00.003+08:00

A compilation of ceramah/pengajian harian yang dibukukan dalam bahasa yang mudah difahami dan analogi kisah nabi2, para sahabat dan ahli sufi di dalam setiap topik. Ianya berkenaan panduan pencarian perjalanan menuju Allah swt. Di mulakan dgn awal perjalanan yang menitikkan konsep kecintaan kepada Allah swt sebagai puncak kepada ibadat melebihi kehendak kepada syurga atau ketakutan kepada neraka. Byk peringatan yang dpt diaplikasikan. Pemetaan perjlnn menuju Allah setelah dimulai di awal perjalanan dgn persiapan kecintaan kepada Illahi, diuraikan pula pelbagai halangan dan dugaan semasa dalam perjlnn spt penyakit hati (takbur, riya & ujub), bantuan perjlnn (kenali diri, zikir, amalan, akhlak etc) dan diakhiri perjlnn dgn panduan mengelakkan su'ul khatimah. Setiap tahap perjlnn ada panduan amalan dan analogi kisah2 nabi, juga baitan puisi from Mathnawi Rumi. Amat mudah dibaca dan memberi kesan yang mendlm.

An excerpt from the book that really got me thinking is adab berdoa kepada Allah….kita selalu berdoa dgn penggunaan kalimat2 perintah didalamnya seperti Ya Allah, sembuhkanlah penyakitku ini, ia tidak salah tapi kurang adabnya, bukankah lebih baik kalau kita berdoa seperti doa Nabi Ayyub ketika ditimpa kesakitan “Tuhanku, sungguh kesengsaraan telah menimpaku saat ini. Sementara Engkau Maha Pengasih dari segala yang mengasihi”. Ia lebih kepada pengaduan, dari mengandungi ayat perintah (tidak ada fi’il amr di dalam doa itu).

Another excerpt from the book "tasawuf sejati bukan tidak memiliki dunia, tetapi tidak dimiliki dunia, sufi bukan bererti tidak mempunyai apa-apa, tetapi tidak dipunyai apa-apa"

Petikan dari chapter on "Berzikirlah Kamu Sebanyak-banyaknya": Kata sifat utk amal adalah 'amalan sholiha (amal soleh) bukan 'amalan katsira (amal yang byk), tapi khusus utk zikir, Al-Quran menggunakan kata sifat dzikran katsira, bukan dzikran shaliha. Betapapun kurangnya kualiti zikir kita, kita dianjurkan berzikir byk2 tanpa batasan waktu.

Trial

2011-05-13T02:22:00.000+08:00

Over my new toy!

It's not a rocket science

2011-05-03T02:46:00.001+08:00

Why is it I am so negative these days???????????

:(

2011-04-29T13:05:00.001+08:00

Am so :(
Am so worried
Am so negative...like the weather....

Ya Allah guide me....

2011-04-28T18:19:00.007+08:00

On a positive note....for my own motivation

Canada Place, Vancouver

Doa

2011-03-22T04:33:00.003+08:00

I need motivation, perseverance, and guidance to continue with this....Ya Allah helps me in this quest of knowledge, bless our path, ease it....ameen

2nd major earthquake in 6 months

2011-03-14T15:04:00.005+08:00

A second major earthquake struck again on the 22nd February 2011. This time it occured in midday, and consequently caused more damage with fatalities. I was on the 3rd floor in my office when it happened. Eventhough the magnitude was lesser than before (RS 6.3 compared to 7.1), it resulted in more violent shake because the epicentre was shallow at 5km. It was indeed very unnerving, but alhamdulillah the experience of dealing with the first quake really helped....the building was immediately evacuated, and I walked all the way home to my family. Alhamdulillah we are fortunate, no one immediate to us was injured and damage to our belongings was limited. However, the quake resulted in major damage to our office building, it is currently yellow-stickered and need at least 4 to 8 weeks for repair and remedial work. Until then, I need to work from home as the university is unable to provide other office or temporary place for us due to extensive damage to other university's building as well. My main PhD study is also currently withheld until further notice from our clinical collaborators. Since I am still in the early part of my 2nd year, it is difficult for me to foresee the extent of disruption of my study due to the quake. My PhD is progressing well up to the point of the quake. Since then, it is difficult for us to recommence to 'normality' since we need to work from home with its challenges. Up until now, 3-weeks has passed, with many more uncertain weeks to come....fortunately we are fully being supported by many, may Allah ease the future path for us with the intention of knowledge seeking...We are indeed blessed, there are so many rahmah and rezq from Allah during this time. Hearing and seeing a major quake and tsunami in Japan really make us insaf...the ujian is pretty small comparing to theirs. Quoting my supervisor's word of advice, we are left with 2 options: leave or stay, however staying here and making an effort to resume to normality makes us more resilient. We cannot leave or run from anything...tornado, flood, hurricane, quake, tsunami, crime, MVA can struck anywhere anytime, everything has been pre-ordained by Allah, nothing can change that.... Leaving Christchurch and leaving my PhD halfway is not an option. My progress over the past 3 weeks although slow, has shown some positive outcome. Allah's rezq to us increased...a letter to editor and a journal paper written by my supervisor (with me as a second editor) were accepted for publication, a journal paper that I am writing has been approved for submission (albeit a last minute hiccough...still waiting for feedback from another author....sabr, may Allah ease this)....a good news about my promotion was delivered, financial aid from my employer and another source were received....masyaAllah, there are so many blessing from Allah swt....I am here to stay with the niah of knowledge seeking, may Allah guide us and blessed our journey...ameen

I have been blessed

2011-02-01T08:57:00.002+08:00

I have been blessed with so many things in this world....thank you Allah. Syukur alhamdulillah, my PhD review went unexpectedly extremely well, my supervisors and PhD committee board have rated my progress as 'outstanding'. I just could not believe my ears when hearing this, I guess I should be relieved and happy, alhamdulillah berkat doa suami n mak, ini menjadi kenyataan. But why am I still not satisfied with my work yet, am I a really perfectionist person? I am tired of this great expectation that I put myself into...can't I just become ordinary? Why do I need to push myself to the extreme.....if only I could do the same things towards my ibadah for the hereafter......can this pencarian ilmu be considered as an ibadah? It all depends on the niat........what is my niat then?

1-year PhD review

2011-01-06T05:41:00.002+08:00

Need to prepare a 1 year PhD review....it is due on the 28th January 2011.

1 year on...

data collection 30% of one study completed, only 5% of another study.....still a long way to go,

abstract: 1 submitted (not accepted yet),

journal paper: a 2-paragraph letter published, another paper still under reviewed (after draft number 6), 2 menumpang my sv's (small contribution),

thesis: i am pushing myself to complete literature review by then...i gave myself a dateline and make my sv agree with the dateline, but now only i realize that possibly i couldn't make it....

i hope it goes well, ameen.....

Brick Wall

2011-01-05T16:04:00.003+08:00

I am hitting a brick wall, and uncertainty. Uncertain about my progress, uncertain about my future, uncertain if I am heading in the right direction, uncertain in so many things........A brick wall in writing, writing is not easy...it is unexpectedly difficult.

I am demotivated, and this put a halt in the progress of my work, as I have been spending this 'precious' time on others instead of the main reason I am here. I need help to keep myself motivated.....................................Do I just realized that this is not my 'cup of tea'? I knew it before, and I came here to learn, but eversince I came here, I have been questioning myself,and it gets harder each day. Ya Allah, help me in this quest for knowledge.............ameen

NZ quake: Malaysians tell their story

2010-10-22T19:47:00.004+08:00

From: http://www.asiaone.com/News/AsiaOne+News/Malaysia/Story/A1Story20100905-235608.html

It was the 25th of Ramadhan, my husband had gone to work for his early morning shift. I stayed up that night to do some work following a meeting with my supervisor the evening before. After eating some food for sahur, I was just about to sleep at around 4:30am. Not long after that I heard a loud rumbling noise and suddenly the house was moving violently and a lot of things fall down. I immediately shouted to wake up my daughter and grabbed her. The electricity was cut and we were in darkness.The quake lasted for about 1 minute. In the darkness, I managed to find the house key and immediately opened both doors in view of emergency escape. Few minutes later there was another strong aftershock. I called my husband who was at work, alhamdulillah he was safe, barely missed a cabinet falling over him. Worrying of another large quake, his colleague advised us to hide under a strong table or to go to a doorway if there is another one. A few minutes later, one of our neighbour knocked on our door to find out about us. They offered us candles and advice to store lots of water. They warned us that there will be many aftershocks that could last for a few days.
True to their word, there were more than 30 aftershocks up till now, some was as high as 5.1 Richter scale. Our electricity was restored at around 10am, and we immediately called our family home to inform them of our safety. My neighbour’s chimney collapsed, creating a large hole in their house. According to him, luckily there is a big tree preventing the chimney from falling on our house. We were shocked to see the extent of damage to buildings especially in the central city area. Alhamdulillah, all of our Malaysian friends were safe, some with more damage to their houses and belongings. This traumatic experience still lingered in our mind, reminding us how fragile our life is and remembering Allah’s greatness.From, Dr Azrina Md Ralib & Norhasanin Ahmad University of Otago

13th AACA: A trip to remember

2010-10-22T19:43:00.002+08:00

13th AACA Conference: A Trip to Remember
Dr Azrina Md Ralib (IIUM) - Recipient of the JSA-JFSA-WFSA-Baxter Scholarship

I was fortunate indeed to have had the chance to attend the 13th AACA conference in Fukouka, Japan, from 31st May to 6th June 2010. Winning the scholarship sponsored by the JSA-JFSAWFSA- Baxter for young promising anaesthesiologists from developing countries opened opportunities for me to explore Japan and to get acquainted with people from various countries.

My long and arduous trip started on a rainy and cold winter day in Christchurch, New Zealand. I have been in Kiwi land for the past six months for my PhD degree in acute kidney injury (AKI) in the ICU. The chance to get away from my normal routine work and endless literature reviews and to be back to the world of anaesthesiology really gave me fresh new energy. I boarded the Singapore Airline flight, which is my preferred airline for its excellent service. This gave me the chance to meet with other delegates from Malaysia. After a nine hour flight from Christchurch, a six hour transit in Singapore and another six hour flight to Fukuoka, I finally touched down in Japan. At the airport, whilst looking for a taxi, I met Prof Datin Dr Norsidah and Datin Dr Sivasakthi who were staying at the same hotel. Little did I know, they would become my “partner in crime” exploring the city of Fukouka.

Fukuoka is the capital city of Fukuoka Prefecture and is situated on the northern shore of the island of Kyushu. On arrival at our hotel, we were disappointed to be told that we could not check-in before 3.00 pm. To buy time, we decided to explore the city of Fukuoka. Even though I was very tired from the 22 hours journey, the exploration turned out to be an interesting event. We managed to visit the Fukuoka Tower, Fukuoka City Museum, Momochi seaside, Fukuoka Dome and the Robo-square. We also managed to visit the Ohori Park and Fukuoka Castle Ruin on our way back to the hotel. Eventually at 3.00 pm sharp, we were allowed to checkin to our rooms. We attended the opening ceremony and welcome cocktails later in the evening.

The conference started bright and early the next day, with the nice summer breeze of Fukuoka. The first plenary session by Dr Jonathan Moss turned out to be an eye opener for us. The moral is to have the inquisitive mind in our daily clinical work which could lead to a breakthrough in medicine that could improve the quality of life of so many patients, albeit a long and dedicated research effort. A simple research question led Dr Jonathan Moss and his team to a 20-year project, resulting in the development of a much needed antagonist of morphine's peripheral side effects, N-methylnaltrexone (MNTX). Apparently, the drug has been recently approved for clinical usage in Malaysia as well as in other countries.

There were three symposia which ran concurrently covering most of the anaesthetic topics ranging from pain medicine, ICU, cardiac anaesthesia etc. I attended a few symposia that were different and unique such as Manpower in Anaesthesia, Innovations in Anaesthesia and Anaesthesia Education and Simulation amongst other things. During the coffee break, we had a chance to visit the excellent poster presentations, where four out of twenty were from Malaysia. Congratulations to all!

On Day 2, we visited various temples and a shrine near the Gion area, and also the futuristic shopping mall and the Canal City with an amazing waterfront display.

My poster titled "Survey of Knowledge and Practice of Intraoperative Temperature Management" was presented on the fourth day of the conference. On the same day, there was apresentation ceremony for the winners of the JSA-JCSA-WFSA-Baxter Scholarship, where I had the chance to meet with the President, Secretary, and Chairman of Education Committee of the World Federation of the Society of Anaesthesiology (WFSA) and also the Chairman of the Conference, Professor Koji Sumikawa.

The congress banquet was held on the last night of the conference. Surprisingly, there was a variety of halal food prepared for us. It was indeed a lovely and memorable night to remember.

The conference ended on the morning of June the 5th. In the afternoon, I attended the Simulation in Anaesthesia Practice workshop facilitated by three facilitators from Singapore. Even though there were only four participants at the workshop, it was indeed very well delivered with lots of hands-on practice. It is my hope that I can use this training to further improve our highfidelity patients’ simulation (HPS) curriculum for medical undergraduates, and hopefully for future postgraduates later. The trip ended with Sayonara to the Japanese folks, and back to the freezing winter of Christchurch.

DR AZRINA MD RALIB
Christchurch School of Medicine,
University of Otago, 2 Riccarton Avenue,
PO Box 4345, Christchurch 8140, New Zealand

Update

2010-10-22T19:08:00.005+08:00

It has been almost 3 months that I last updated this blog...I have seem to neglect it. So what has been happening in the past 3 months?
- Jalan2 to the amazing Lake Tekapo-Pukaki-Mount Cook:definitely my favourite place here in NZ...masyaAllah, the amazing beauty of Allah's creation-a must place to visit in NZ
- Jalan2 and berendam di Hanmer Springs Thermal Spa - what a bless!
- Ramadhan datang and pergi...am I better than before?
- Celebration of syawal yang tersangat meriahnya with aktiviti ziarah...i'm not that busy even in Malaysia (even in UK pun tak terasa sangat). This is despite gempa and more than 1000 aftershocks..
- Oh and almost forgot, Christchurch Earthquake....with all the 'dramas' here. Long story....my writing in the star online

What about my PhD....the main reason I am here...

- Underwent my PhD confirmation review meeting late July, alhamdulillah it went very well with very positive feedback...i am now a confirmed PhD candidate

- Presented at the research seminar meeting with another 2 PhD students who started around the same time with me...alhamdulillah again, it went well...my SV was very happy with my presentation!...positive remarks from the audience...entah apa2 yang i auta....tapi takpe depa kata nampak very confident, alhamdulillah.
- My supervisor has finally left to Sydney, but alhamdulillah we still managed to keep working via mail and skype
- ALhamdulillah I finally got a crack of this PhD thingy....manage to come up with some sort of novelty finding in some of the analysis and my SVs are happy with the result....(He sort of told me....see you are so worried about not finding something novel in your research, now you have come out with this...and it can fit nicely in one chapter of your thesis...). Of course, previously I was concern and I told him my concern...that's what supervisors are here for..
- For that, I have submitted an abstract to WCN. Hopefully I could go to Vancouver, Canada next April...insyaALlah
- Also preparing a manuscript for submission to journal...and this a huge headache. To date it has been almost 1 month I am revising this, version 3 just submitted to my co-supervisor. So far he's quite happy with the progress alhamdulillah...now awaiting for his 3rd feedback...and it need to go through my primary SV first (don't know which version before it can finally reached him!)
- My letter to editor questioning some issue in an article has been accepted for publication....
- 2 databases has been developed and I am superbusy with data collection. My eyes qot very tired in entering all the data, sometimes it makes me think whether it is all worth the effort...I am trained to be clinician, I spent 12 years in clinical field try to save live, and here I am sitting infront of computers entering these data...what am I doing here? need to remind myself the motto of our university "RESEARCH SAVES LIVES!!!!" Hubby advised me to always zikr to ALlah, hence now I am constantly zikr to ALlah whilst entering data....alhamdulillah it helps a lot.
- My main research is affected by strike...i am a bit worried, but not super worried as I still have tonns to do with other supplementary research. Anyway I can't do anything about it, only pray to ALlah that it can be completed in time...
- My husband is super busy with his food business...he he adik2 lapar, abang masak sedap, byk tempahan and kesian tgk dia keletihan...
- My mum is coming here on the 14th Nov for 3 months! YEAY....more aktiviti jalan2.

That's all I can write now...super tired this week working almost 9-10 hours per day (ye ke)...and looking forward to a good rest in this long weekend labour day...

pen off

BLANK

2010-07-22T08:39:00.002+08:00

BLANK...blank....the analysis doesn't seem to yield anything exciting...

De-stressing....Jalan-jalan menikmati keindahan ciptaan Illahi

2010-07-03T22:19:00.001+08:00

Ar-Rahman

2010-07-01T11:13:00.002+08:00

"So which of the favours of your Lord would you deny?"
31 verses of this in Surah Ar-Rahman. This verse suddenly struck in my mind a couple of days ago, and when I came home, the surah was being heard from my hubby's ipod..what a touching verse. It really makes me thinking of all the 'nonsense' that I have been questioning myself so far. There are so many favours that Allah has bestowed on me....am I denying it? Forgive me, Ya Allah

Feeling small

2010-06-29T11:45:00.006+08:00

I am feeling small and little amongst those great minds at work. Why can't my brain work like them. It seems that my brain has been trained to have a repetitive memory rather than lateral thinking and abstract thinking. I think this is mainly the product of the education system that I have gone through. I have an excellent photographic and retentive memory, that's why I excelled at school and universities. But when it come to lateral thinking, I succumbed...and that is the main reason why I have this difficulty in my PhD. I have no problem in clinical work and clinical studies because that is what being expected of us medical doctors and medical students to diagnose and treat specific symptoms and diseases that had been already described by somebody else in the medical text book. But I have great difficulties and in despair try to think of something that has not been described before, something that is original and significant and could contribute to new knowledge etc etc.....My co-supervisor has provide me with an excellent support and he is aware of my difficulties and concern. He keep on encouraging me, but I feel as if I have let him down again and again...just now he gave me a piece of paper that he has been working on, and asking me to give feedback! oh no...that is the problem with me, giving feedback and critically evaluating the work of others when I myself is struggling to produce a similar kind of work! Ya Allah helps me...I am here to gain this knowledge, to gain this training that I realized that I am lacking of, and that is the main reason that I undertake this path...help me Ya Allah, only You could help me....ameen

Can I say it? No I can't..I can't say bad word even though it is directed to myself as it is a form of du'a...only words of prayers should be uttered....but I feel so d---

A little cry of help....

2010-06-24T12:54:00.006+08:00

Ya Allah, helps me in this journey. Only You can show me the path, the light at the end of the tunnel. I have been lazy, forgive me. Sometimes the thought of WHY do I venture in this difficult path prop up once a while & more frequently lately. Never did I realize that this path is that difficult and stressful...however I shouldn't ever question this, whatever that Allah has ordained for us is for the best, only we do not realize that. I am blessed with so many things from Allah. InsyaAllah I will persevere and may success eventually be with me, ameen,

Guidance.....

2010-04-20T07:17:00.002+08:00

Recruitment has been pretty slow lately...no patients for the past 2 weeks. However, I have been busy preparing for research presentation at Dunedin. It was only 15 minutes talk, however it really took my nerve! Thought I could rest after the talk and prepare for my poster presentation...how wrong am I...the 'bombshell' was dropped yesterday, which I could not mention it today for it is still confidential. Since then I have been worried about my future here..should I think about other alternative? or should I stay here and believe all the promises? I really don't know what to do, I need to pray to Allah for guidance....

A tazkirah from my dear hubby for me....
Assalamu'alaikum wrt wbt

Kehidupan kita sebagai seorang Islam sememangnya akan dilalui dengan pelbagai ujian. Ujian-ujian yang sememangnya bersifat dalaman dan luaran sebagai satu tanda bahawa Tuhan sedang menyaring tahap kehambaan makhlukNya. Inilah keyakinan yang perlu kita hadamkan bahawa proses kehidupan yang pendek ini perlu dibekali secukup mungkin. Sesungguhnya Tuhan telah memberikan satu anugerah yang disebut dalam al-Qur'an buat bekal orang beriman yang namanya TAQWA.
TAQWA inilah yang memberikan motivasi kepada Rasulullah s.a.w untuk keluar menghadapi masyarakat yang serba rejektif dan skeptikal terhadap Islam. TAQWA inlah juga perbekalan Rasulullah s.a.w untuk tampil mendepani masyarakat tanpa gentar hatta cuba bunuh sedang diatur. KeTAQWAAN bukan satu warisan dari syahadah yang bersifat percuma. Ianya TAQWA yang diusahakan dengan mujahadah dan muraqabah. TAQWA yang mengikat hati manusia dalam melihat ALLah SWT sebagai maksud kehidupan. Ilahi anta maqsudi. Tuhan engkaulah maksud kami. TAQWA yang melihat kebesaran ALLah sebagai mutlaq pengabdiaan. TAQWA inilah juga memberikan kita keyakinan bahawa sifat makhluk yang penuh kekerdilan itu sewajarnya dihormati tetapi tidak ditakuti. Bilamana jiwa ini dipenuhi dengan ingatan pada ALLah maka kebergantungan kita kepada manusia menjadi sesuatu yang begitu minimal.
Inilah perjalanan mana-mana hamba yang penuh baik sangka dengan Tuhan untuk mencari jalan TAQWA. Sangkaan baik pada Tuhan yang akhirnya Tuhan memberikan kurniaan yang sememangnya tidak disangka-sangkakan.
Moga ALLah menenggalamkan hati ini dengan TAQWA dan diberikan keyakinan bahawa segenap perjalanan aturan Tuhan ini adalah tarbiyyah Tuhan kepada kita. Tiadalah ALLah menzalimi hambaNya bahkan ALLah menjadi tempat taqarrub dan permohonan kita sebagai hambaNya.

“Dan sesiapa yang bertakwa kepada Allah (dengan mengerjakan suruhan dan
meninggalkan segala larangan) nescaya Allah mengadakan baginya jalan keluar (dari
perkara yang menyusahkan) serta memberikannya rezeki dari jalan yang tidak
disangkakannya.” (At-Talaq :2-3)

Inilah sebagaimana disebut oleh as-Syahid Syed Qutub dalam mentafsirkan ayat 29 dalam Surah al-Anfal.
“Wahai orang-orang yang beriman! Jika kamu bertakwa kepada Allah,
nescaya Ia mengadakan bagi kamu (petunjuk) yang membezakan antara yang benar
dan yang salah, dan menghapuskan kesalahan-kesalahan kamu serta mengampunkan
(dosa-dosa) kamu. Dan Allah sememangnya mempunyai limpah kurnia yang besar.”
(Al-Anfal:29)

“Inilah dia bekalan iaitu bekalan persediaan dan kelengkapan di perjalanan. Bekalan ketakwaan yang menghidup, membangkit dan menyedarkan hati, membuahkan di alamnya setinggi-tinggi kesedaran, kewaspadaan dan berhati-hati. Menyediakan baginya sinar cahaya petunjuk yang menyingkap segala rintangan ujian di liku-liku perjalanan yang sejauh mata memandang. Cahaya petunjuk ini merupakan cahaya yang tidak dikelami dengan sebarang syubhat (kesamaran) serta mendindingi pemikiran yang sempurna dan benar. Kemudiannya, ia adalah merupakan bekalan mengampun dan memaafkan sebarang kesalahan, bekalan kedamaian yang mencurahkan ketenangan dan kegembiraan,
bekalan cita-cita serta impian untuk memenuhi dan mencapai kurniaan Allah yang maha besar di ketika hari yang tiada di sana sebarang bekalan di ketika hari yang mana eseluruhan amalan adalah sia-sia, tidak mempunyai sebarang nilaian. Kesemuanya ini adalah merupakan kenyataan: Bahawa hanya ketakwaan kepada Allah sahajalah yang benar wujud dan menjelma di hati, satu petunjuk yang membezakan antara yang benar dan yang batil yang seterusnya menyingkapkan rintangan dan halangan di perjalanan. Begitu juga dengan hakikat-hakikat kepercayaan (akidah) ini tidak akan dirasai, difahami dan diketahui melainkan kepada mereka yang melaksanakan secara amali.” (Syed Qutub)

Semoga ALLah mengurniakan ketaqwaan kepada kita dalam mengharungi kehidupan di tanah asing bernama New Zealand.

Guidance 4

2010-03-25T07:37:00.004+08:00

I have been really busy these past few days...especially with the start of our study. So many things to do and so much responsibility. I need to deal with so many nurses and doctors here. This is the hardest bit of doing clinical trial, and I know doing animal trial is not easy as well. At least the funding and ethical approval has been settled, I can put most effort in the running of the study.....I am doing both the clinical part and lab part as well...I am tired but it is a good experience for me, I hope...Today I have been away from my desk, running here and there...almost had an emotional part get the better of me, a long story that could not be told. I am venting all these here, before I got the chance to vent it at home..hubby is a very good listener and support for me, alhamdulillah.

I have neglected this yesterday..I need to continue it today, my guidance

Surah Al-Baqarah
11. And when it is said to them, "Do not cause corruption on the earth," they say, "We are but reformers."
12. Unquestionably, it is they who are the corrupters, but they perceive [it] not
13. And when it is said to them, "Believe as the people have believed," they say, "Should we believe as the foolish have believed?". Unquestionably, it is they who are foolish, but they know [it] not.
14. And when they meet those who believe, they say, "We believe"; but when they are alone with their evil ones, they say, "Indeed, we are with you; we are only mockers."
15. [But] Allah mocks them and prolongs them in their transgression [while] they wander blindly.

Guidance 3

2010-03-23T08:02:00.002+08:00

Surah Al-Baqarah
6. Indeed, those who disbelieve - it is all the same for them whether you warn them or do not warn them - they will not believe
7. Allah has set a seal upon their hearts and upon their hearing, and over their vision is a veil. And for them is a great punishment
8. And of the people are some who say, "We believe in Allah and the Last Day," but they are not believers
9. They [think to] deceive Allah and those who believe, but they deceive not except themselves and perceive [it] not
10. In their hearts is disease, so Allah has increased their disease; and for them is a painful punishment because they [habitually] used to lie.

Guidance 2

2010-03-22T05:50:00.004+08:00

Surah Al-Baqarah
1. Alif, Laam, Meem
2. This is the Book about which there is no doubt, a guidance for those conscious of Allah
3. Who believe in the unseen, establish prayer, and spend out of what We have provided for them
4. And who believe in what has been revealed to you, [O Muhammad], and what was revealed before you, and of the Hereafter they are certain [in faith]
5. Those are upon [right] guidance from their Lord, and it is those who are the succesful

Guidance

2010-03-21T13:45:00.005+08:00

I am struggling with the motivation to continue with this journey of education. I have spent the last 2 1/2 months reading those journals...am I wasting my time? Can I get through this for the next 3 years? I pray to Allah for guidance. This path has been made possible by Allah's grace only. I will try my best..I have been guessing my ability so far, and often wasting my time in diversions e.g watching TVs, browsing the nets, shopping etc...I should be seeking guidance from Allah, I should read more Quran.

Just received a translation of Quran from the Voice of Islam, NZ. Amazed with stories of conversion to Islam, they find the Hidayah from Al-Quran.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vlrb1rOT36o
I should revert myself to the true meaning of Islam via Quran. As a first step, I will write the translation here at least 5 ayat perday, insyaAllah.

Surah Al-Fatihah
1. In the name of Allah, the Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful
2. [All] praise is [due] to Allah, Lord of the worlds
3. The Entirely Merciful, the Especially Merciful
4. Sovereign of the Day of Recompense
5. It is You we worship and You we ask for help
6. Guide us to the straight path
7. The path of those upon whom You have bestowed favour, not of those who have evoked [Your] anger or of those who are astray

Ameen...Ya Allah guide me in this path

Getting Your PhD

2010-03-11T11:38:00.002+08:00

Helpful books
Just got hold of these book from the library

PhD comic

2010-03-09T13:29:00.002+08:00

From: http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=124

Another PhD tips

2010-03-05T07:45:00.004+08:00

From: http://www.theory.org.uk/david/phdtips.htm

PhD tips...I really need this

2010-03-05T07:41:00.005+08:00

By Matthias Schonlau, From: http://www.schonlau.net/finishphd.html

• Begin with the end in mind
 I found it always helpful to know I what my overall goal was. During my PH.D. I aimed to finish in my Ph.D. in 3 years. I didn't make that in the end - it took 4 years - but that isn't important. The important thing is that I knew in order to make 3 years I had to do a certain course load in the first and second term , I had to take the comprehensive exam the first time it was offered, I had a rough idea of how much time I had to write the dissertation. There are road blocks along the way and things turn out different than you expect. But if you know your overall goal obstacles won't through you off the course, you are just taking a detour.

• You have no obligation to write an important or even useful thesis 
Sometimes students set out to write this all-encompassing break-through thesis and then fail because they try to accomplish too much at once. Very few researchers achieve fame because of their dissertation work. Try to write a good dissertation, not a great dissertation. Further, don't insist on writing a useful thesis. Your primary goal is to get a Ph.D. , not to change the world. There is enough time for changing the world after your dissertation when you have less constraints about what criteria your work has to meet.

• Write! 
A psychology student told me once that he spends the entire day doing research and then forces himself at the end of the day to summarize what he found - even if he doesn't think he found anything that day. This is important for several reasons : (a) writing helps your thoughts to crystallize (b) you accomplish your daily task which will make you feel good (c) you can track your progress (d) when you write your thesis you have material to draw on (e) you won't forget what you were thinking two weeks ago. In my opinion most students start too late putting their thoughts into words.

• Exercise regularly 
I have always found I can work better when I am physically in good shape. During stressful times such as exams, I exercise more often rather than less often. The energy I get from exercise more than compensates for the "time lost".

• Enjoy your "play time" 
There is a time to work and a time to play. I try to work hard when I work, and not to think at all about work when I don't work. For example, every year I fly home to Germany for Christmas. I never take work to Germany. All that would accomplish is that I would feel bad the whole time about not doing the work. When you have worked hard all week and can afford to take the week-end off, try to get out and do something fun. Try not to think about work at all.

• Talk to others about your problems 
After finishing his Ph.D. a social scientist at an Ivy League university told me once that at some point during his Ph.D. he had so much dissertation anxiety that he went to see a psychologist at the medical center. To his surprise the waiting room for the psychologist was packed and he recognized several other people. Everyone was there for the same reason. He later emailed one of the students he saw whether he wanted to talk about it . Within 10 minutes he got a reply email : the other student was just as desperate to talk about it. Most Ph.D. students at some point or another have problems - talking to fellow students or professors almost always helps. You are not alone. (The above mentioned student graduated smoothly and now excels working at a very prestigious institution).

• Record your progress 
Sometime during my second year of my Ph.D. I started writing down every week-end what I had accomplished during the preceeding week. I took great care in this and I often reread what I had done in the past few weeks. This weekly ritual became very important to me and motivated me a great deal. Sometimes in the middle of the week I would realize that I hadn't accomplished anything to be recorded at the end of the week and I would make sure I would get something done. In addition, I kept a list of things to do at the white board and marked each item off once I had done it. I wouldn't erase it until a few days later though - because that gave me the satisfaction of seeing what I had accomplished already. I still follow this habit to this day. During a Ph.D. you often try something and it doesn't work in the end. That can be frustrating - but I feel that tracking what you have done helps to overcome this frustration. The path to success has unexpected twists and turns in a Ph.D. - and while a failed attempt looks like no progress it really is.

• Don't find excuses - don't do too many other important things. Some of the brightest students sometimes have trouble finishing because they are so successful doing other things that may reasonably also be considered important. A very bright young fellow I know kept taking on temporary consulting jobs working for the UN in Brazil and all kind of other exciting and useful jobs. Working for the UN in Brazil is a great experience and you may not want to pass it up. But at some point finishing your Ph.D. outweighs taking on extra consulting jobs.

• Choose a dissertation topic you are passionate about 
You will do your best work when you work on a topic that you really care about. This not always possible - but if you have the choice go for it. Also, it is better to come up with your own thesis topic rather than having your supervisor find you a thesis topic. You will find it easier to care deeply about a thesis topic that you came up with yourself.

• Work on your strengths, not on your weaknesses
 I was once fortunate enough to have a brunch with the famous statistician Erich Lehman - organized by Agnes Herzberg in Kingston, Ontario. Dr. Lehman had an unusual career and had many things to say. I will never forget the following advice he gave : when in England the professors noticed that his background in mathematics was much stronger than in physics. They therefore forced him to take extra classes in physics. On hindsight Dr. Lehman felt that that was a big mistake. He didn't have any passion for physics and he claims he wasn't good at it either - so there was an extraordinary effort going into something that wasn't necessary. There may be situations where our passion requires us to work on something we are not good at. For example, my friend Fiona was never interested in any handyman work. However, she was a theatre major and some point she had to know technical theatre operations. And when it was relevant to theatre, she all of the sudden took an interest in handyman work as it related to theatrical set construction. Unless necessary though I always thought that it was good advice to work on one's strengths - because otherwise we'll be constantly disillusioned and frustrated.

• Take charge - it's your life not your supervisor's I have always found taking an active role leads to better results than a passive or reactive role. It makes life more exciting. For those of us who like playing computer games - it's like the difference of playing the game and watching the game. Playing is just more fun.

• Do what is right for you - including the choice of discontinuing your Ph.D. A Ph.D. is not for everyone and I think not to continue a Ph.D. ought to be one of your options. I am most impressed with Judy whom I met during my time as a student. She successfully mastered the comprehensive exam, and then decided that she wasn't really all that interested in research. I still hear her say "You know, it's not for everyone" - not disappointed but just matter of fact. She is happier now. However , I do think you should only quit because you have come to the conclusion that you do not enjoy research, not because "it's overwhelming", "it's too much work", or "I don't know whether I can do it" or "I don't like my supervisor". People can do more than they think - they just have to really try.

6th January to 10th February

2010-02-11T09:07:00.002+08:00

Time really flies.......I have been here for more than a month? I am getting panickier each day...what have I done for the past 1 month? what have I read and come out with? there would no more reason of being a new student and adaptation period. oh..I have a headache, I feel that I have been so unproductive this past 1 month......

Remembering my "niat"

2010-02-05T09:05:00.004+08:00

I have this dizzy spell since the past 1 week. Most probably because of too much coffee...here everybody loves coffee, I need to break off from coffee. Alhamdulillah my research is progressing well. It is tough as I have to meet lots of people for this training stuff...all the ED and ICU nurses, registrars, and even the top people in ED and ICU...pretty scary, as just yesterday I attended a meeting of senior doctors in ED...however this chance is good for my career. I got the chance to meet the ICU director...and he would help me register with the MCNZ for the intensive care training (part time? do I have time?). All I need to do is to gather all reports on my previous jobs and training from previous supervisors and HODS. The problem is...apart from the expected lenghty process to gather all the necessary requirements......is whether I am ready to do this? People around me told me that I would miss my clinical experience if I don't do this. However, when I am at ICU this past 1 week, I don't feel that I am missing it. Actually I welcome this new experience of becoming a researcher or "scientist". I have been doing clinical works for the past 11 years! That is not including my medical student days. I have been in ICU and OT for the past 9 years! I think that is an enough time for a change, I need this change (esp with no calls.....). I will still proceed with my application for MCNZ registration, I really need to remember my "niat"....it is really a blessing for me if I got the chance to do ICU training as well. It's just like killing 2 birds with one stone....i'll be able to get both clinical and research training. I will start writing all the required paperwork, and send them to my previous boss........insyaAllah, if it is for the best, Allah will open this path for me, ameen.

ALhamdulillah

2010-01-30T21:15:00.002+08:00

I meant to write something...ages ago. I have a very good intention on writing on tips on IELTS exam, on processes needed to apply for scholarships & available scholarships, on the process of visa application, on tips of preparation before coming here to NZ etc etc....I would really like to give something out as I have gained so much from reading blogs of others. However, I have been very very very busy.....initially before flying because of the need to settle so many things work and home and also all the preparation to come here. And now, with the reading I need to caught up with and all the preparations for our research (due to start in the next of couple of weeks!). I am overwhelmed....I will make some time to write, insyaAllah.

Alhamdulillah, I am relieved now after an evening with my supervisor. I have this thing of inferiority especially when dealing with those at high rank. My primary supervisor is the Head of Department here and also a very distinguished professor in his field. I have little contact with him before coming here. Most of my contact is with my co-supervisor who is also his research manager, and he has been very very helpful to me throughout this period. I think my primary supervisor notices that I am not very comfortable with him (I am dealing with this inferiority complex...). Alhamdulillah today, at a bbq dinner at his house, I finally breaks the ice...frankly I told him that I need some time to adapt from clinical work to research work, and to put in my thinking cap into that area, and that I will work hard and also thanking him for having me as his student and infact telling him that I hope he wouldn't regret having me as his student......and he has been very encouraging and supportive, and his wife is lovely and welcomed us with open arms......and their house is lovely. I know I am rambling, it is now 230am and I can't sleep. ALhamdulillah....all these are only possible with Allah's grace. He had made this journey possible and open this path for me. I am going to put all effort in this, and always remember my 'niat', and stop all the questions of 'what am I doing here?'.......May ALlah bless this journey always, and help us throughout the way in this path, ameen....

Our birthday treat from beloved mom

2009-12-19T11:21:00.004+08:00

Thank you mom....

@#$%

2009-11-25T14:59:00.003+08:00

I am in the middle of CLA course...in the midst of various lectures. Surprisingly the lectures are quite good and informative, mostly are on researches. Got some useful tips for my PhD quest in the future. Just got a call letter to attend BTN (and it will be at Balik Pulau, Penang!). Also was told that the dateline for us to fly to NZ is on the 7th of December! Manage to ask for extension to the 14th of December as per the offer letter. I am really overwhelmed....so many things to do in a very short time. And here I am still sitting for my CLA.....anyway, it's finishing tomorrow. Still have some time. InsyaAllah, semoga dipermudahkan Allah.

IELTS result

2009-11-10T01:24:00.008+08:00

OK? Satisfied?.....Worth all the effort? Alhamdulillah..........I can now proceed with our visa application. Hmmmmmmm but I need to brush up my writing skill, especially if I want to write a good PhD thesis. Wonder if I could get a feedback from the examiner.

Now....for the visa application. We need to go to KL this Wednesday for the medical checkup. Apparently we need to go to listed panel doctors for the medical examination, and the one in Kuantan is on leave until next week. So off we go again, to KL. It seems we have been in KL on a weekly basis. Once we are in KL, we also need to go to Wisma Putra to get a letter of good conduct, need to collect an official financial affidavit from IIUM (hope they have prepared it). Later, when we come back to KL again we can pick up the medical certificates from the panel doctor and once ready, couriered everything to Singapore....then wait and see............then BTN, then collapse........... It seems that everything has been running smoothly. It is sign that this is a good path for me, after istikharah prayer before, insyaAllah.

Total Bliss......

2009-11-03T18:42:00.003+08:00

I am taking 2 days leave...after an exhausting day trip to Gombak....for a 5-minute interview. However, alhamdullillah it went well. This morning I spent 1 hour arranging and finalizing the marks for block 1 student...........and later rest and kemas rumah (yg tak habis2). But, it is a zen moment being at home.............

Ramblings of a tired mind....

2009-10-27T11:03:00.005+08:00

I am amazed at the speed of things at this moment. I don't have time to think and to have second thoughts. My prospective supervisor has been very supportive to me all these while. I just sent an email to the manager of the international office requesting for an earlier intake date. With just a phone call to my prospective supervisor, a letter was drafted and immediately emailed to me in the very same morning! This is how things should work and has been working in most of Western countries. If it is the case in Malaysia, they would need to wait for a meeting, for an approval from so many authorities, for a letter.....all the never-ending excuses.

Venting out

2009-10-27T06:51:00.004+08:00

I need a break...a much needed break. I thought I would have some after my exam. But no....yesterday was really bad, I am multitasking again.....
I need to............finalize block 2 timetable, organize marks for end of block exam, mark PMP questions, complete 17 credit hours of online generic module, prepare research proposal on FRGS template for CLA, discuss research proposal with my elective research student, prepare for the interview, on calls and clinical work....on top of that the most important is to coach Khadijah for her PKSR 4 next week! I have been neglecting her studies for the past weeks due to my exam....now I only have few days to coach her as I am on call this Saturday, and am going to KL for the interview on Sunday.....this is the price I have to pay for committing to the intention to progress in my career. I really need to ask my hubby to be involved in Khadijah's study. He's supportive in sending her to school and extra classes, but not in coaching her in specific important subjects. Due to my obsessive nature, I need Khadijah to practice and practice in all the practice books I have bought her, but she is so playful and will only do the practices under strict guidance....she is so unlike my youngest sis.....still remember her to be very hardworking even in standard one....so unlike Khadijah.

Papers....a very useful software for all the MAC users out there...

2009-10-25T22:47:00.004+08:00

Just to note that Papers software is really good. I have tried using it tonight, it's amazingly good. I am currently compiling all the papers for AKI area, my proposed PhD project. Hopefully it would reduces my headache managing all the bibliographies in the future.
And alhamdullillah, my MSI mouse pad is much better...need to get use to it.

Freedom....no not yet

2009-10-25T21:52:00.004+08:00

I still remember years ago, as a student whenever we finished our exam, we'll shouted out freedom...yeah a much needed freedom from all the books.....I have just completed my IELTS exam, so can I shout freedom?....no not yet, probably not for a long time. I still have to prepare a research proposal for CLA and complete the online generic module...all these need to be completed before the 8th of November.....Gone are the days when my weekends are free! Apart from the on calls, this is especially true for me for the past 3 and 1/2 years.....
How's my IELTS? I think I'm quite confident enough in the listening and writing parts, insyaAllah. I think all the practices really help. Writing....not sure, I managed to write enough words and with good points for the 2 essays. However since my previous essays were not assessed, I am really not sure how I fare in that band. Speaking? There were lots and lots of questions....it seems like an interrogation rather than communication. The examiner was monotonous, asking all the prepared questions and very schematic. I am not that comfortable with it, however I did talk...a lot. So I need to wait 13 days for the result. However, apparently I do not really need the result for my application. I have already received an offer of place for the PhD program from the University of Otago. They have accepted my English Language Proficiency statement.
So whats next?.....need to go for an interview with the top guns at Gombak next week. They told me verbally my scholarship application from MOHE has been approved. However, there is a small hiccup...they approve the scholarship based on 2009 budget. Since my letter of offer states 2nd January 2010 as the date of intake, they might not approve it. The dateline for the 2009 budget is on the 31st December 2009. To make things worse, scholarship under 2010 budget will only be opened in late December. Taking into account all the process involved, and all the bureaucracy involved, it may only be approved in February onwards. That's already too late, since my supervisors need me to be there in Dec or Jan for me to be involved in the early part of the research. There goes my chance....I just couldn't believe that they could not make an exception. So, my next plan of action is to request an earlier date for the intake from Otago. If this fail, I need to melangkah kaki ke Putrajayalah nampaknya. I have gone this far, I need to fight this lousy system.....

IT Gadget Craze (Version 2).....after 1 year 2 months

2009-10-19T13:36:00.009+08:00

Obviously again, I am "stressful". This is very noticeable when I manage to update my blog twice today. Other than putting some photos, I have not updated this blog for ages....did manage to teach Khadijah to update her blog (hubby is now very active in blogging....after Khadijah has her own blog!). Now Khadijah manage to do everything on her own (mind the grammar though...but it is good to encourage her to write in English). Okay back to my "stressful" part...again new IT gadget...he he he.

Looking back this blog, my ASUS is more than one year old....(see entry August 2008). Since I am really impressed with my bro's Hackintosh small MSI Wind....or Mac, I asked him to buy me one and provide his expertise in installing Apple Mac OS and software, especially the Paper and EndNote software. So with RM2,000 he managed to get me a 10 inch MSI wind with both Window 7 OS and Apple MAC OS, and all the required software. And on top of that he also upgrade the RAM to 2GHz, and the hard disk to 500GB (wow!). Not to mention a leather cover from Brando.....I am so happy! Unfortunately there is some problem with the mouse. It seems that the mousepad is very active and has its own mind. This is very noticeable when I try to use it during my tutorial....pening, pening. I hope this problem could be solved.

Papers and End Note are very very useful for academic journal writing, especially in managing bibliography. It will really save us a huge headache, especially in writing up a PhD thesis!. It will also encourage or push me to write up more journals.........malasnya sebelum ni!. I need to familiarize myself with Mac interface, luckily I am a bit familiar with it as HPS and ECS simulator uses Apple interface. My brother gives me an ebook of Apple for dummies as well...so should read it. All these need to be done thoroughly after my IELTS exam and CLA research.

So what happen to my small old ASUS? Initially plan to give it to Khadijah....but unfortunately an accident occur. Hubby accidentally closed the lid with my external hard disk there.....(can't bising2 much since I accidentally put his PSP and handphone in the washing machine months ago!)......so the LCD is broken, need to use the PC's screen to transfer all the updated important data to my hard disk, and then to my Mac....it can still be used, but need an external LCD to view it......pity considering that I just upgraded its RAM few months ago. So how many computers do we have now? Acer desktop (Khadijah's), Dell (Mine as long as I am working with IIUM, Khadijah wants it, will give it to her once she agree to attend the Taekwondo class), ASUS (Mine, need to find an external LCD), ASUS (Hubby's) and HP (shared by hubby and Khadijah). Sign of complacency or extravagance??? or IT gadget craze.......next project: need to find an external LCD for ASUS, so Khadijah (or me) could view and watch Youtube and all the downloaded movies. Options include: LCD screen for computer, cable to existing TV or LCD TV (too expensive....waste of money). Will be looking for the cheapest option first ie cable, when we go to KL this weekend, after my exam, of course

IELTS, IELTS, IELTS

2009-10-19T11:05:00.005+08:00

I am obviously obsessive to achieve perfection in every detail. As I mentioned before, I am preparing for my IELTS exam, which is due in a week time. For the last one month I have been obsessing in all IELTS sites available in the internet. I have downloaded and printed 8 IELTS tips and secrets books, and another 8 IELTS test practice books . This is in addition of numerous IELTS sites I have visited and books that were lent to me and the one that I bought. Currently, I am at the end of my tether. I took leave this whole week because I need to complete another 4 practice books this week before my exam this Saturday. If I complete all the practices in the books, I would complete a total of 36 complete tests. Is it enough? I really don't know. I do not enroll in any preparation course since I prefer self study. But the problem of self study is that, there is no one to rate your essays and your speaking. I can rate my listening and reading with the answers provided. I could only compare my essays with sample essays available in the internet and rate myself accordingly. I realize it is not the most effective way, but this is the only choice I have. I will give it a try, if I fail to achieve the required standard, I need to look at another alternatives. Maybe retake the exam with preparation course? Will decide later. Oh exam, it has been more than 3 years when I last took my exam. I hate exams.........

Aidil Fitri 2009/1430H

2009-09-26T20:33:00.002+08:00

Downloadable E-Book

2009-09-19T02:14:00.003+08:00

I am currently preparing for an IELTS exam. Found this website with many of IELTS books, which can be downloaded in pdf or text file. Other books and notes are also available.

Check out this.......... www.scribd.com

Happy Eid Mubarak To All

2009-09-19T01:54:00.002+08:00

Lailatul Qadar

2009-08-24T19:12:00.002+08:00

Ramadhan Mubarak

2009-08-24T18:56:00.002+08:00

Attempted swimming lesson....via books!

2009-08-24T16:23:00.003+08:00

Home Sweet Home

2009-08-03T17:25:00.003+08:00

Pasir Kubor, Sungai Lembing

2009-08-03T17:05:00.004+08:00

With Olympus mju-Tough 6000

Happy Birthday Mom

2009-08-03T16:55:00.003+08:00

Masjid Terapung, Likas

2009-07-10T13:00:00.005+08:00

Shopping at Filipino Market and Kundasang

2009-07-10T12:40:00.006+08:00

Kinabalu Park and Poring Hot Spring, Kundasang

2009-07-10T12:23:00.005+08:00

Island Gateaway - Mamutik and Manukan Island

2009-07-09T18:40:00.006+08:00

Sunset at Sutera Harbour Resort, Kota Kinabalu

2009-07-08T11:58:00.007+08:00

Multitasking

2009-06-05T15:15:00.004+08:00

I am multitasking now, and my degree of psychological tension has reached its peak.....reaching to a point that I skipped meal. This is a problem with me, I have an OCD trait, everything I do must be perfect to the detail. I need a break....

Tasks that I am involved now:
1. Preparing a research proposal for a proposed PhD project.....hence all the reading of journals (continuous process), writing up a draft of proposal (done and submitted), and now need to think of a new idea in that research to make the PhD unique.....hence more reading and more thinking and more tension....that's why my friend told me that PhD is a permanent head damage. I am not sure if I have the ability to proceed with this, but I will try my best, insyaAllah.
2. Supervising 2 of my elective students for their research in hypothermia. Apparently we collect too much data that can generate many papers...a bit too detail for an undergraduate...so I need to chip in a lot for them.
3. Conducting a clinical trial at our centre...screening, consent, calling the medical monitor, administering drug, monitoring patient...but our patient was not doing well at all...so all the AEs and SAEs reporting need to be done...lepas ni cuti, orang lain pulak kena pening kepala enter data on eCRF...lega....
4. Editing an unending saga of a CPR book. Still got lots to edit....it is unending
5. Preparing a report on the endowment fund on CPR book. To get money, need to do some work lah....
6. Preparing an oral presentation on HFOV for the Sabah conference this early July
7. Preparing a poster presentation for the same conference.
8. Supervising a master research, tapi ni tak banyak kerja sebab cuma jadi field supervisor je...alhamdulillah
9. Preparing a proposal for endowment fund type B, ni kalau tak jadi buat PhD
10. Preparing and coordinating a timetable for our specialized postings (that means coordinating 5 departments), tapi ni lambat sikit...bulan 8 baru our students start, tapi me being me...already done the initial work after received the appointment letter....
.....and all these on top of clinical work and on calls...luckily takde student sekarang ni, alhamdulillah

My mind now is too active after almost 3 years of rest. Too many proposed projects in mind. I need to stop and take a deep breath and take one step at a time.

I am on call today and on leave tomorrow...nak balik kampung.....hopefully today;s call is okay not like Tuesday's call...ameen

Taman Mini Zoo Kemaman

2009-05-18T12:57:00.002+08:00

Pool I

2009-05-18T12:55:00.002+08:00

Gunung Ledang

2009-05-18T12:35:00.002+08:00

Pool Renovation IV

2009-04-25T13:16:00.003+08:00

All pics taken by Mr Norhasanin Ahmad i.e. project manager.....

Pool Renovation III

2009-04-24T18:04:00.002+08:00

Pool Renovation II

2009-04-23T13:57:00.002+08:00

Novel Sejarah Islam

2009-04-17T13:19:00.002+08:00

I am engrossed reading these....in the middle of editing the CPR book and preparing the proposal for the DM....(have not even started on proposal for the CLA research yet.......no idea what to do!)
Am really amazed at the strength and devotion of these figures in the book. They are both excellent abid and excellent leaders. They spend their days propagating Islam and their nights beribadah to Allah all nights. Sultan Muhammad Fateh never missed the rawatib and tahajjud prayer. They sacrifice the worldly attractions for the everlasting rewards hereafter. What about me???????????

Pool Renovation I

2009-04-17T12:56:00.007+08:00

Filtering area 1

Filtering area 2

After waterproofing cement 1

After waterproofing cement 2

What and where?

2009-04-15T16:47:00.002+08:00

I am in dilemma. Since the past week I am contemplating of what and where to do my subspecialty or further training. Should I do a clinical-based or research-based training???? Both have their own advantages and disadvantages. I am more incline toward research-based training, as it would produce many long term benefits. After all the university has put a real emphasis on research to achieve a research university status. However, I heard that the university is not really supportive to its medical lecturer to pursue a MPhil of PhD degree. Ironic, isn't it. You want to achieve that but you are not supportive on the training. The management must remember that we are clinically trained throughout our medical training, we are not trained to do high impact researches! If you expect us to do a good research and produce a good paper, please be supportive of our intention to pursue in research-based training...it makes sense, isn't it. Ahh..........I am so frustrated. Got a reply from one of the consultant in UK. Now need to see the dean for his greenlight. May Allah opens this path for me, if it is for the best...ameen....

Khalifah Umar Abdul Aziz

2009-03-31T10:57:00.004+08:00

Am reading this....really fed up with our politicians. They need to read this too!

Pool Renovation

2009-03-30T16:13:00.002+08:00

At last....we are renovating our pool. Work will start this Thursday insyaAllah. Need to spend a bit more than expected. Hope it is worth it.

Pangkor Island Escapade

2009-03-20T12:55:00.003+08:00

Still had general body aches even after 2 days....signs of aging, I think. The trip was okay.......good to escape from daily routine life. However we prefer the east coast islands than this. Our previous trip to Pulau Perhentian and Pulau Tioman were amazing. The beaches were cleaner. The waters were clearer, and snorkelling was a bless. Pangkor island is not as beautiful and peaceful as the east coast islands. Looking forward to our next trip to Pulau Kapas.
Pics from our Pangkor trip

Lumut

2009-03-15T08:08:00.002+08:00

We start off with new adventure for Khadijah. Instead of driving, we took a night bus to Lumut. The bus trip took nearly 9 hours. Khadijah slept soundly on the bus and waken up fresh. She really enjoyed the bus trip. We arrived safely at around 7am, manage to perform our Subuh solat on time and the nearby mosque, alhamdulillah. Now we are having breakfast before taking a ferry to Pangkor.

Today is the day

2009-03-10T07:11:00.003+08:00

Today will go down as a historical day for us....insyaAllah, today we are going to settle the bank loan for our house, alhamdulillah. In an unstable economy at this moment, it is a relief to have finally settle our loan. Initially we signed in a contract of 30 years for the loan. If we were to follow the schedule, we will end up paying a total of almost 300,000 for a loan of 115,000! Not taking account on possible increase of interest in this economic crisis. So, what we did was pay off almost 30,000 from our saving, KWSP and money from my late dad, and increase the monthly payment by almost 100%. We managed to shorten our payment to 10 years. In total we paid 150,000 instead of 300,000! I am not a financial planner, but I think this is quite a lot of saving. So now we are now loan free....opps....almost forgot about the car loan. If we did not buy a new car as what we have planned before, we would be loan free and free to enjoy our monthly income! He he he.....lesson learnt! But we enjoy the car tremendously and that's the price to pay.
Update: Finally settled with the bank. We are now waiting for the bank to settle with our appointed lawyer for the discharge of the house grant. Apparently the lawyer fee for CIMB is higher than other banks since it has changed its name twice...but oklah still affordable, alhamdulillah...

Blooming Water Plants III

2009-03-03T19:57:00.003+08:00

Blooming Water Plants II

2009-03-01T13:02:00.004+08:00

Blooming Water Plants

2009-02-27T16:03:00.000+08:00

Sign of getting old

2009-02-24T18:26:00.001+08:00

My whole body is aching now. Spent the whole day with a premature 1.5kg day 5 baby with ileal atresia. Yeah, we have a new paeds surgeon from India. Very nice person. It is good in one sense, I can brush up my rusty clinical skill. But it also meant that we have more work. And I am getting easily tired these days-a sign of getting old! or a sign of complacency

Ramblings of a tired mind

2009-02-23T12:26:00.004+08:00

I am putting my career development on hold now. Just withdrawing from the CLA course this April....too many things on my plate at this moment. The weekend at Langkawi turned out to be an enjoyable weekend. Met few old friends and new friends....not so bad as what I thought it could be. With CLA out of my mind, I am looking forward to our holiday getaway to Pulau Pangkor this coming school holiday, our family day at Janda Baik on the next school holiday and holiday cum conference at Kota Kinabalu, Sabah later on. Now I can really enjoy the trips with CLA out of my mind. The CLA course is very demanding as I need to produce a proposal on high impact research which is a new concept, new idea that can lead to new discoveries etc etc etc. It must also be methodologically rigorous, multidiscplinary....bla bla bla. Really really stressful to be thinking about it with all the holidays planned and with the upcoming book to be edited. Now it seems a huge burden has been removed. The CLA is important for promotion and salary shift, and I couldn't care less about it now. I am relieved........alhamdulillah. Update: just recently signed up with HTAA family holiday at Pulau Kapas this coming May.....yeay, another pulau vacation.

Career or family

2009-02-21T08:51:00.003+08:00

The question rise again. I am on my way to Langkawi. Woken up at 530am to catch an early flight to KL for a weekend program at Langkawi. However I am now regretting to miss a weekend with my dear daughter. Couldn't really care much about my career development at this moment.

Water Plants

2009-02-17T13:38:00.005+08:00

Our natural swimming pool

2009-02-13T13:54:00.006+08:00

Natural plant at a filtering area with ultraviolet and sediment filter

temporary filtering wall. If this project is successful will renovate it to a proper one

Swimmingarea

My Current Project

2009-02-13T13:01:00.006+08:00

Our "kampung-style" swimming pool was neglected for the past few months. Previously the swimming pool depends on continuous flow of water from the nearby hill (Pelindung). Few years ago both hubby and bro-in-law set up a piping system from above the hill for the continuous flow of fresh water. There were periods of blockage, but it was resolved once they go up hiking again. However due to recent housing projects nearby, the flow stopped altogether. Furthermore both hubby and bro-in-law don't have time to go up hiking. So our pool was neglected.
Hate the sight of neglected pool, I look up at the internet for an alternative idea. I found an interesting alternative....hence, I am in the process of converting it into a natural swimming pool.....
Natural swimming pool is popular in Europe. It obviates the need to use complex and expensive filtering system. It uses natural plant as a filter system. Currently it is still under experiment. Already bought few water plants such as lotus, water lily etc...don't really know their name! (will educate myself though).
More reading on natural swimming pool....here, here, here, and here