The loneliness of this PhD journey

Never that I imagine this PhD journey will be this lonely....I am currently at the bottom of my motivation, if not for the belief in Allah swt, I may be in total loss...

Read this interesting article to describe this journey

http://thethesiswhisperer.wordpress.com/2010/10/26/the-loneliness-of-the-long-distance-thesis-writer/

Islamic Book for spiritual enlightment

Hati Sebening Air Mata (Islahul Qulub) by Amr Khalid

Dilemma

Conflict inwards...i pray for your sakiinah ya Allah..

I have loss the motivation to continue with this....

Perseverance

High degree of perseverance is needed

How to recharge oneself?

How to recharge myself and restart the momentum after a setback. 2 days of slow progress, refusing to deal with it. Could not waste anymore of this precious time. Wake up and progress. Accept it as a challenge. The glass is half full, not half empty. Ameen, Ya Allah guide me...bestow upon us, knowledge seekers assistance in this path.....ameen....

A setback

Ya Allah, please give me strength and guidance....ameen, ya Allah

Research Saves Lives

"It does not seems important, but it is! So, I'm bothering telling you so. Dr Seuss, The Sleep Book"

Doing this phd thingy things always makes me wonder whether what I am doing is actually going to make any difference. But, remembering these keep my motivation....

Another change

Life has become a repetition, again the cycle begins...the cycle of doubting oneself. I need a change, hence this change of template of this blog. I value this as a means to reflect and ponder on...time to remind oneself the real purpose of this life. The purpose of this knowledge pursuit, ameen Ya Allah, remind me always...

Trust in Allah

I joined the weekly class on Tafsir Quran conducted by Sister Salwa since the past 2 weeks. We are into Surah At-Taubah now. Alhamdulillah, I learn so much from this class, there're a lot of reminder for us. One of the reminder that we got is to give 100% effort in what we are doing, and put 100% trust in Allah, how beautiful it is, how peaceful we will be..

Ghaflah

Lupa dan lalai dengan keindahan duniawi. Masa yang begitu berharga di sia-siakan sahaja, nanti kelak akan ditanya untuk apakah masa itu digunakan, untuk apakah kurniaan Illahi ini di bazirkan? Apakah jawapannya? Sedar tapi masih tetap melakukannya, kotorkah hati ini? Ya Allah, ampunkanlah aku, jadikan aku hari ini lebih baik dari semalam, dan hari2 esok lebih baik dari sebelumnya, ameen

Qasidah Burdah

Ya Allah, grant me in my heart the love to Rasulullah s.a.w

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wsoAOOFyQc8

2nd Spring in Christchurch

MasyaAllah, it is a beautiful spring in Christchurch. Magnolias, daffodils, cherry blossoms sprung everywhere, and a sunny warm weather today makes it even more beautiful.

I am reading another book by Dr Amr Khaled on how to attain makrifatuLlah, it can be achieved by appreciating our surrrounding, Allah's creation...kitabullah almandzur...

Ya Allah, help me to be near to you, help me to love you and your rasul more than anyone else, guide me, Ya Allah....

Update

I have been busy catching up with endless data entering for a study. How much I need to catch up, alhamdulillah hubby is willing to help....MasyaAllah...in between those data entering, I received a piece of a very good news, syukur alhamdulillah one of a major piece of our research paper has been accepted for publication without further revision....Ya Allah, praise be with you.....I am blessed with all the good tidings that you have bestowed upon us. We hope with all this blessing, we will further strive to become a better mu'min and mu'minah, ameen....help us to better ourselves.

MasyaAllah again, the previous competition I entered (although I did not win) end up well. Alhamdulillah I am able to deliver the best that I could, and alhamdulillah again, I received a good review from the judges....I sincerely wanted to share the good news with my colleagues, in the hope it will also become an inspiration to them.....forgive me Ya Allah, if there is a speck of riya' in this, forgive me....Ya Allah.....

Excerpt of video from http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TCcNTSfBtmg

Eid Mubarak to all

Eid Mubarak to all...

Here and there, now and then

It's Ramadhan month again.......alhamdulillah I have the opportunity to meet Ramadhan again, with the aim insyaALlah to become a better person, better abid, better muslimah....ameen

On the first of Ramadhan itself, I had been bestowed with rahmah from Allah swt...the unexpected gift, that could possibly increase my self confidence, but hopefully not to the extent of riya'. Unexpectedly against the other 12 contestants, I have been blessed as the winner of our campus heat in the 3-min thesis competition. It was unexpected but a welcome gift. It certainly helps my injured/scarred self confidence, and hopefully heal my self doubt. My main supporter i.e my co-SV is happy, and I am happy to be able to make him happy, at least it is something in return for all the help he has given me, including editing the content of my presentation in this competition. I remember being afraid of stumbling myself to the chagrin of him infront of others, and my prayer has been answered in this blessed Ramadhan, but I did not pray to win, it is an added bonus, but also a small ujian to test whether I will be riya' etc. I received congratulations from many, including some prominent persons in the campus, and the postgraduate office. Alhamdulillah, I am happy to show to them that as a muslimah (in a veil) I am still able to deliver...........
Just to share the email from my co-SV to the other SVs and colleagues....."Congratulations Azrina, conquerer of the 3 minute thesis competition. Today, in the face of a daunting array of opponents and in front of a full house, Azrina won the University of Otago Christchurch 3 minute thesis competition. She was superb - with only a little help from Drs Suess and Bob the Builder she communicated what her thesis was about and why she was doing it. She'll now get the chance to take that story to Dunedin. Well done Azrina." Now the challenge of competing in a bigger auditorium, with more competent contesters, and possibly on the first Eid, away from family in Dunedin....I do not aim to win, but just to deliver, and prove that being a Muslim, we can deliver the best, ameen, only with Your help Allah, I can do this, and I seek forgiveness if there is a speck of riya' in this, forgive me, Ya Allah...

Life and interpretation

Meaning to write something about life and interpretation, but having a 'word-block'....not in the mood.........hence this change......Love it! I always like to have this artistic handwriting, but I am not artistic enough.....Maybe later will revisit this issue. But at this moment, I am enjoying this blog as a mean to vent myself.......

Oh yeah, it was snowing two days ago...heavily, the heaviest snow fall in 15 years, how it changes the view completely......

Success...happiness....tranquility

As a child, I have been brought up in a family that emphasis on education. Success in education means love, praises, gifts, preferences, and all the good thing that comes with it, and failure equates the other side of it. At least that was what I felt when I was a child. I am grateful to my parents, as if they have not done it, I may not end up being where I am now....and I began to accept it as the way of life throughout my adult life. I was and still am forcing myself to the limit for this.....but having achieved all that, does it equates to happiness and tranquility? AM I HAPPY? I should be, I have been blessed with lots of success in education all throughout the years......but am I really happy to the state of achieving tranquility? What worries me now? The inability to succeed in my PhD quest......again and again this drive is haunting me......Why do I worry so much? Looking back, I began to question what is the true meaning of success. We have succumbed to the society's definition of success, the status quo that we need to achieve....How to get away from this definition that has been deeply imbued in our belief?

Positivism

This morning I have decided to do away from these negative feelings. I am to start this day with positive feelings, and faced all challenges ahead with positive thinking. Anything, everything that happened is the best for us already pre-ordained by ALlah swt, even when we cannot see it at the moment. Husnul Zan is the word (All is well....from the hindustani movie, the 3 idiots, love the show..it really challenges the status quo we put ourselves into). It is easier said than done, it was put into test just after I have said it, looking again at the endless paper and the work which I really think is really under the par for the PhD, I am down again, but reminding myself about this positivism, makes me want to go further. InsyaAllah will try harder again. Never that I imagine this educational journey will stimulate so much of a conflict within myself, it is an upgrading journey, insyaAllah that will eventually makes me into a better person, ameen.

Self Doubt

Self-doubt has been a major daily issue in my pursuit of this degree. I am tired dealing with this, it is never ending, and even not coumaflaged by the positive words received from my supervisors and the advisory board.....why is well done, outstanding, and excellent are still not enough? Why is with every praise words that I received, I think of the hidden negative words they want to hide from me? This is further compounded by a not too positive feedback that I have been getting for my written english and the content of the recent paper. Even if the feedback had several praise words in between, I succumbed into further self-doubt. How to increase self confidence? I am really lacking of it!!!

Requirement of PhD candidate by Otago University

A successful PhD thesis will demonstrate the candidate's ability to conduct original research and to present the findings of that research to a professional standard. The thesis should give evidence that the candidate has made a significant contribution to knowledge in the particular field. On the award of the degree, the graduate should be a person capable of conceiving, designing and carrying out high-quality research in the area of their expertise without supervision.

As the highest degree awarded by the University of Otago for research supervised by members of the academic staff, the PhD requires a high degree of scholarly acumen, independence and perseverance.

Layakkah aku?

The Road to Allah

A compilation of ceramah/pengajian harian yang dibukukan dalam bahasa yang mudah difahami dan analogi kisah nabi2, para sahabat dan ahli sufi di dalam setiap topik. Ianya berkenaan panduan pencarian perjalanan menuju Allah swt. Di mulakan dgn awal perjalanan yang menitikkan konsep kecintaan kepada Allah swt sebagai puncak kepada ibadat melebihi kehendak kepada syurga atau ketakutan kepada neraka. Byk peringatan yang dpt diaplikasikan. Pemetaan perjlnn menuju Allah setelah dimulai di awal perjalanan dgn persiapan kecintaan kepada Illahi, diuraikan pula pelbagai halangan dan dugaan semasa dalam perjlnn spt penyakit hati (takbur, riya & ujub), bantuan perjlnn (kenali diri, zikir, amalan, akhlak etc) dan diakhiri perjlnn dgn panduan mengelakkan su'ul khatimah. Setiap tahap perjlnn ada panduan amalan dan analogi kisah2 nabi, juga baitan puisi from Mathnawi Rumi. Amat mudah dibaca dan memberi kesan yang mendlm.

An excerpt from the book that really got me thinking is adab berdoa kepada Allah….kita selalu berdoa dgn penggunaan kalimat2 perintah didalamnya seperti Ya Allah, sembuhkanlah penyakitku ini, ia tidak salah tapi kurang adabnya, bukankah lebih baik kalau kita berdoa seperti doa Nabi Ayyub ketika ditimpa kesakitan “Tuhanku, sungguh kesengsaraan telah menimpaku saat ini. Sementara Engkau Maha Pengasih dari segala yang mengasihi”. Ia lebih kepada pengaduan, dari mengandungi ayat perintah (tidak ada fi’il amr di dalam doa itu).

Another excerpt from the book "tasawuf sejati bukan tidak memiliki dunia, tetapi tidak dimiliki dunia, sufi bukan bererti tidak mempunyai apa-apa, tetapi tidak dipunyai apa-apa"

Petikan dari chapter on "Berzikirlah Kamu Sebanyak-banyaknya": Kata sifat utk amal adalah 'amalan sholiha (amal soleh) bukan 'amalan katsira (amal yang byk), tapi khusus utk zikir, Al-Quran menggunakan kata sifat dzikran katsira, bukan dzikran shaliha. Betapapun kurangnya kualiti zikir kita, kita dianjurkan berzikir byk2 tanpa batasan waktu.

Trial

Over my new toy!

It's not a rocket science

Why is it I am so negative these days???????????

:(

Am so :(
Am so worried
Am so negative...like the weather....

Ya Allah guide me....

On a positive note....for my own motivation

Canada Place, Vancouver

Doa

I need motivation, perseverance, and guidance to continue with this....Ya Allah helps me in this quest of knowledge, bless our path, ease it....ameen

2nd major earthquake in 6 months

A second major earthquake struck again on the 22nd February 2011. This time it occured in midday, and consequently caused more damage with fatalities, 185 died...... I was on the 3rd floor in my office when it happened. Eventhough the magnitude was lesser than before (RS 6.3 compared to 7.1), it resulted in more violent shake because the epicentre was shallow at 5km. It was indeed very unnerving, but alhamdulillah the experience of dealing with the first quake really helped....the building was immediately evacuated, and I walked all the way home to my family. Alhamdulillah we are fortunate, no one immediate to us was injured and damage to our belongings was limited. However, the quake resulted in major damage to our office building, it is currently yellow-stickered and need at least 4 to 8 weeks for repair and remedial work. Until then, I need to work from home as the university is unable to provide other office or temporary place for us due to extensive damage to other university's building as well. My main PhD study is also currently withheld until further notice from our clinical collaborators. Since I am still in the early part of my 2nd year, it is difficult for me to foresee the extent of disruption of my study due to the quake. My PhD is progressing well up to the point of the quake. Since then, it is difficult for us to recommence to 'normality' since we need to work from home with its challenges. Up until now, 3-weeks has passed, with many more uncertain weeks to come....fortunately we are fully being supported by many, may Allah ease the future path for us with the intention of knowledge seeking...We are indeed blessed, there are so many rahmah and rezq from Allah during this time. Hearing and seeing a major quake and tsunami in Japan really make us insaf...the ujian is pretty small comparing to theirs. Quoting my supervisor's word of advice, we are left with 2 options: leave or stay, however staying here and making an effort to resume to normality makes us more resilient. We cannot leave or run from anything...tornado, flood, hurricane, quake, tsunami, crime, MVA can struck anywhere anytime, everything has been pre-ordained by Allah, nothing can change that.... Leaving Christchurch and leaving my PhD halfway is not an option. My progress over the past 3 weeks although slow, has shown some positive outcome. Allah's rezq to us increased...a letter to editor and a journal paper written by my supervisor (with me as a second editor) were accepted for publication, a journal paper that I am writing has been approved for submission (albeit a last minute hiccough...still waiting for feedback from another author....sabr, may Allah ease this)....a good news about my promotion was delivered, financial aid from my employer and another source were received....masyaAllah, there are so many blessing from Allah swt....I am here to stay with the niah of knowledge seeking, may Allah guide us and blessed our journey...ameen

I have been blessed

I have been blessed with so many things in this world....thank you Allah. Syukur alhamdulillah, my PhD review went unexpectedly extremely well, my supervisors and PhD committee board have rated my progress as 'outstanding'. I just could not believe my ears when hearing this, I guess I should be relieved and happy, alhamdulillah berkat doa suami n mak, ini menjadi kenyataan. But why am I still not satisfied with my work yet, am I a really perfectionist person? I am tired of this great expectation that I put myself into...can't I just become ordinary? Why do I need to push myself to the extreme.....if only I could do the same things towards my ibadah for the hereafter......can this pencarian ilmu be considered as an ibadah? It all depends on the niat........what is my niat then?

1-year PhD review

Need to prepare a 1 year PhD review....it is due on the 28th January 2011.

1 year on...

data collection 30% of one study completed, only 5% of another study.....still a long way to go,

abstract: 1 submitted (not accepted yet),

journal paper: a 2-paragraph letter published, another paper still under reviewed (after draft number 6), 2 menumpang my sv's (small contribution),

thesis: i am pushing myself to complete literature review by then...i gave myself a dateline and make my sv agree with the dateline, but now only i realize that possibly i couldn't make it....

i hope it goes well, ameen.....

Brick Wall

I am hitting a brick wall, and uncertainty. Uncertain about my progress, uncertain about my future, uncertain if I am heading in the right direction, uncertain in so many things........A brick wall in writing, writing is not easy...it is unexpectedly difficult.

I am demotivated, and this put a halt in the progress of my work, as I have been spending this 'precious' time on others instead of the main reason I am here. I need help to keep myself motivated.....................................Do I just realized that this is not my 'cup of tea'? I knew it before, and I came here to learn, but eversince I came here, I have been questioning myself,and it gets harder each day. Ya Allah, help me in this quest for knowledge.............ameen