Panic Mode

Panic and nervous mode....how time flies. My literature review is due this coming May, but I am still totally unsatisfied with my work....

Thesis writing versus journal writing

I found it extremely difficult to concentrate on reading one journal, let alone writing the whole chapter of literature review. This is totally different compared to journal writing, as for journal writing it is short and concise. I would only concentrate on the introduction and discussion part, as the methodology and result is well taken care of with my analysis. Introduction is simple, as it outlined the aim of our analysis, and discussion looks at the current literature pertaining to the topic, and discuss our finding. Much more simpler than literature review! Because of the vast interest in the area that I am working on, there are literally hundreds if not thousands of literatures that comes out over the past 2 years. Even to read one journal took me more than 1 day (as I do not have the ability to concentrate).........now I am at loss. Don't know how can I cope with completing this chapter. Furthermore, two of the hypothesis that I would like to test in the coming trials had recently being published by other investigators.......even one chapter that I have recently published also has been recently described by other author......how can I contribute significantly to this field then? Have this phd journey trained me to become independent researcher? Or am I too dependent upon my supervisor? These questions continue to pop up in my mind...albeit the positive feedback that I received, I am constantly questioning myself. Is there light at the end of this tunnel? Yakin and tawakal to Allah swt is my only pegangan....

Looking Back

2 years on, with 1 year anniversary of no access to university building due to the earthquake.

I must have achieved something within these 2 years...if not i may have wasted all the time and money spent.
I need to list down the new skills that I acquired, at least in term of computer software skills that I have sort of mastered...
So let's see what software they are
1. Microsoft Word: I thought I knew it all, but how wrong am I
2. Microsoft Excel: am loving it each day, seeing its capability
3. FileMaker Pro: learnt it from scratch, developed 3 databases, alhamdulillah I am comfortable with it
4. GraphPad Prism: this produces excellent graph. Still learning ways to manouvre it to produce some theoretical graphs.
5. Omnigraffle: this produces excellent flow charts and diagrams
6. SPSS: again thought I knew it all, but how wrong am I. Easily produce several statistical analysis, but the graph is poor.
7. EndNote: still using this as my main bibliography rather than using papers2 because of my library that already has about 1000 papers, but this does not mean I have read it all
8. Papers: am loving this each day, especially for its capability to sync with my iPad
9. Dropbox: since the earthquake, I have started using this extensively...still remember that is the first item I grabbed before evacuating our building was my pen drive, can't imagine if I have lost it...hence, since that I have been using Dropbox extensively.
10. MatLab: another powerful statistical software that I would like to master, am still learning it. InsyaAllah. Probably LabView if time permits.

Not bad eh.....alhamdulillah...but the most important skills that I have yet, and still continuing to grasp include:
(1) research thinking: abstract thinking...to question everything, and not to just accept everything at its face value.
(2) soft skill: how to interact with your supervisor, colleagues, clinicians, nurses, patients, relatives, lab personnel, university personnel
(3) laboratory skill: very minimal, but I have learnt how to set up clinical trial, and how to run it smoothly
(4) writing skill: have learnt a lot from my supervisors
(5) presentation skill: 7 to 8 presentations within these 2 years
(6) statistical analysis skill: again learnt a lot from my supervisors
(7) time management skill: this one I think, I failed miserably...especially after working from home, but thinking back not sure if I am effective when working from office a year back...

But what I missed? CLINICAL skill.....hope to relearn back after I got back...but considering all the above, this is minimal price to pay....once an anaesthetist, will always be an anaesthetist...hope my 10 years experience doing anesthesia will help, amen

Apart from the above, I have also gained the opportunity to learn more about Islam, to be more aware about my religion.
I have been blessed by Allah with the opportunity to attend the Quranic Tafseer class, the Quranic tajweed class, and interact with few religious people to gain more knowledge about Islam, alhamdulillah. Khadijah also got to attend hafazan class, she had already memorized 24 surahs within these 3 months time. She has also acquired love for reading, and accumulates lots of book, especially her Stilton series books....alhamdulillah ya Allah. You have shown me that this is the best pathway for me, forgive me if there's any elements of doubt within myself....

12 months to go

Alhamdulillah, for everything ya Allah. May You continue to grant us peace and assistance in this endeavour

12 months to go
Need to complete
-Chapter 2 by this month
-Chapter 5 by March 2012
-Chapter 6 by April 2012
-Chapter 1 by May 2012
-Analysis of EDAKI/Chapter 3 by September 2012
-Analysis of FLAKI/Chapter 4 by November 2012
-Chapter 7 by December 2012
-Compilation of thesis by January 2013
-Submission by March 2013

May Allah blessed this journey, and assist me all the way. Need to always remind myself of my intention of completing this, may this be counted as an ibadah in the hereafter, ameen.

Only to You we worship and ask for help

Trying to understand these...but to no avail

Is it due to lack of effort? Maybe. But I am trying hard
Is it due to lots of distraction? Maybe. But I am trying hard
Is it due to lack of forgiveness? Maybe. But I am trying hard
Is it due to lots of envy? Maybe. But I am trying hard

I am trying hard to become this person who excels in what she is doing
I am trying hard to become this person who is in constant remembrance of the purpose of this life
I am trying hard to become this person who is content and tranquil
I am trying hard to become this person whom You are pleased with

I am trying hard to become better today than yesterday.
I am trying hard to become better tomorrow than today.

Only to You we turn
Only to You we pray
Only to You we ask for help
Only to You we return

Please keep our heart steadfast in Your way...siratul mustaqeem...
Please purify our heart
Please remind us always
Please choose us amongst the chosen one.......ameen Ya Allah Ya Rabbal Alamin

Treasures of Paradise

Zikir Hari Isnin, ajaran Imam Ghazali
Ubat bagi 99 penyakit, termasuk penyakit kebimbangan
Salah satu mutiara syurga
There's no power nor strength except by You, Ya Allah.
Only to You we worship, and only to You we ask for help...ameen

Bertafakur

Bertafakur atas keindahan ciptaan Illahi

Deer Park Heights, Queenstown

The Remarkables, and Queenstown Town

Bungee Jumping at Skyline Gondola

Lake Wanaka Waterfront

Lake Hawea

MasyaAllah

I am stuck again...at the same analysis that I do not know how to proceed. Need to stop and bertafakur atas keindahan ciptaan Illahi, masyaAllah

Crown Range Road, Wanaka

Crown Range Road, Wanaka

Kawarau Gorge

Kawarau Gorge

Lake Wanaka with Mount Aspiring at the background

Mount Aspiring

Mount Aspiring Campervan Park

Jalan Buntu

Apabila bertemu dgn jalan buntu, pada siapakah kita mohon bantuan? Ya Allah, tunjukkanlah jalan utk kami, terangilah jalan ini Ya Allah. Bukakan pintu ilmuMu buat kami yang hina ini. Sesungguhnya hanya kepadaMu kami meminta bantuan dan petunjuk. Amin, ya Allah, ya Rabbal Alamin...

Stupidity in Research?

Interesting article posted by a friend on FB. Love the article, it perfectly described what I have been feeling for the past 2 years, and still am. see http://jcs.biologists.org/content/121/11/1771.full

Can I stand it for another year? Albeit a good review meeting, my confidence has been dwindling down, especially after reading several articles that described most of the main analysis that I have planned for my studies.....making me wondering if I am able to make a novel contribution to enable me gaining this degree!!! But, writing this reminds me of my niat...is it the degree or knowledge that I aimed for? Need to correct my niat....O Allah, guide me in this journey, please open the path to the discovery of a minute of Your vast knowledge, ameen....

Trying to understand so many things

I am an anaesthetist, a wannabe intensivist, trying to understand nephrology....

I am a clinician, trying to understand research....

Am I too late? Supposed to endeavour on this over the past 2 years...

Only to Allah we turn for help and forgiveness.