Clinician-Researcher

The clinician-researcher path

Spot on...extremely long years of training, for me... 6 years of medical school, 4 years of specialist training, and now 2+ years of research training (& to continue with 1 year of subspecialty training???)... I am too tired now, after all these....... not sure how the future in this path looks on...it looks pretty bleak at the moment.....my SVs are very subtle, but when they started hinting that "The worst thing can happen is when you realize there is something that should have been done 3 years ago", "There is interesting paper that you write, but if you send it right now, it will be rejected and criticized, and worst still if accepted, it will be criticized", "What you lack is the driving force, but on the other hand I think you are driving it in your quiet Malaysian way" How should I feel hearing this, after I have been working really hard on it, to the point of neglecting my family? Am I paranoid? It crushed the very essence of my motivation. Why now, why not before? Why this, after they have rated me 'outstanding' during all the previous PhD review? Adakah itu hanya diberi utk memastikan saya meneruskan pengajian utk membantu mereka menjalankan kajian itu (sebelum ini saya menjalani kajian itu seakan berseorangan). Kemudian apabila kajian itu habis, mereka tidak memerlukan saya lagi? Perasaan ini dikuatkan lagi apabila mereka berkata utk mengklonkan saya utk menjalan kajian lain di masa akan datang...

Point of no return

Point of no return, must go forward no matter how big is the obstacle.......thinking back, why do I venture into this path? I am at the lower side of mood....after a month of hard work scattered to ashes...ashes to ashes...hu hu....must remember it is a learning process.......but the demotivation is hard to accept, and I keep questioning myself again, can I continue with this, am I able to perform....maybe it is not my cup of tea, but it is too late now to withdraw, too much has already been at stake.......I must go forward.......I have invested time, money (although I am fully supported in this), and the most important thing is sacrificing my clinical experience for this, I must go forward....forward is the only way.......Ya ALlah, assist me in this, ameen

My new sanctuary