Update

This has became sort of my PhD blog, my sanctuary. It seems weird...but I think I am more incline to open up writing this blog than writing a status update in my FB page....not sure why..ha ha. This blog serves as a site to unload myself, writing nonsense sometimes, and of late this has became a blog about my PhD journey. It will be sweet memories in the future when I look back (this is another advantage of blog versus fb, I can always flick over my previous posts since 2007 (wow, not realizing that it has been 5 years I have been blogging), and it brings sweet memories...)

OK, now update on my PhD (I seems to be in a good mood, alhamdulillah...so is it good progress?) Not sure, for my part, I think I have done to the best of my ability. Now up to my supervisor to review them and give their honest comment. I must be prepared for any possiblity (hope it be a good one, and if not a good one, may I be able to stand and fight...ameen). I have sent the second draft of Chapter 1 to 3 to my first supervisor last week. This is after almost 3 weeks of lack of sleep, almost spending 15 to 18 hours per day (with only 4-5 hours of sleep). As a result of this, my immunity level went down the hill, and I caught another bouts of flu, but alhamdulillah this time it only lasted for 2 weeks. Alhamdulillah again I have received feedback from my second supervisor on Chapter 4. There are several areas to work on, but it is managaeble (I think, hopefully as I have only glanced through it). Alhamdulillah again (Ya Allah, thank you for Your many blessings), my analysis on Chapter 5 yielded some good results, I have discussed this with my second supervisor, and alhamdulillah today I have just completed my Chapter 5. Albeit, from our discussion further analysis may be needed on the study, but this is separate from the previous analysis, and if it is good, it merits another chapter. My second supervisor was telling me that "it is only October!", possibly meaning that I have time, and I should not rush into completing it. I must take a break from this constant threat to my body, and my immunity system. But this have to wait until the end of this month. This is when all became OK or not OK. This is when I am going to meet my first supervisor, my main supervisor, and he is the only who can decide that. Ya Allah, I really hope that it is okay...ameen. My second supervisor is very confident with that I am able to complete this, he even goes to say that my future in obscuring grant is good as I have PhD degree from established university, of which I quickly interrupted that this is not yet certain....I just wish that I have his confidence as well. However, confidence may lead me resting on my laurel, whereas uncertainty will make me work harder each day, but I hope not to the state of jeopardizing my health, my family, and my long-term goal....afterall it is only a piece of paper, it is the journey that matter, not the end...and at the end, this degree is not needed for the advancement of my career..but the experience of research and publication will. A reminder for me, this is not only for the advancement of my career, this is for the advancement of knowledge, and hopefully I can share it with other colleagues and students in the near future....

Trying to make sense of all these

Trying hard to make sense of all these, trying to justify that what I am doing is worthwhile & I'm not wasting these 3 years chasing nothing....

Love reading this...I am not alone!!!
http://thesiswhisperer.com/2012/05/08/the-valley-of-shit/

Update and Rambling

Not in the mood of writing a lengthy piece due to this constant headache that has been my 'best friend' since the past 2-3 months. This coupled with generalized body ache....sign of severe stress...stress to complete this work (that I have totally loss the motivation to go on with). 

Update: 1st draft of Chapter 4 sent

2nd draft of Chapter 2 & 3 completed, but not sent yet (need to wait for Chapter 1). Revision of Chapter 1 took longer than expected, mainly due to me loosing interest to do it (or even read it...hence me wasting precious time...after 1 month revising it, I manage to complete 2/3 of it, but it still need a lot of work to do) Dateline in 1 week time, may need to postpone by mid October......

Chapter 5 is my constant worry and fear. After almost 2 years of data collection (& thousands of data collected), the preliminary result is not that convincing...oh no, is it worth it? Need to discuss this further, and the cycle begins...need to justify, postulate etc etc etc (should it take me another 5 months for this as I have done in Chapter 4?) Ya ALlah guideth me, ameen...

By the 28th September

28th September dateline:
To complete 2nd draft of Chapter 1 to 3, and first draft of Chapter 4.
Chapter 1 to 3 for ZE to review, and Chapter 4 for JP to review.
Chapter 5 to continue analysis and writing

Reward: iPhone 5?....insyaAllah

It's hard..nobody tell me this before!!!

I am loosing the confidence to complete this. It is hard, extremely hard.....The results are there, but I have trouble to express it effectively, and to draw the conclusion from it. I am loosing my confidence (& almost my mind!) facing this dilemma day in and day out. Di tika dan ketika hati kurang senang dan kurang tenteram, berbagai ingatan lalu....pengorbanan diri ini, adakah dihargai sepenuhnya?

ALhamdulillah, syukur nikmat Allah

Praise be to Allah for all the blessings. All are from Him, and only to Him we return. All that happen is according to His plan, all are for the greater good for ourselves. Syukur, syukur, syukur.

And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.' "

Crisis of confidence

Today is the day of the annual 3MT competition at our campus....last year I participated, and alhamdulillah I won...I am happy, and it did wonders in my self confidence...but then it came dwindling down again. This is the peril of the loneliness of phd, where we keep on doubting ourselves....

Earlier this year I keep on postponing from sending my literature review to my supervisor, mainly because I did not believe it is adequate or up to standard. But because of the tight schedule, I did sent it eventually...and today I received the feedback. The comments started with 'you've done fantastically well'.....and ends with 'well done'. I should be happy shouldn't I? I am, but only for a while....then I begin to doubt that the positive words are there to keep my spirit up, after reading the individual comments. Of course, as expected it is inundated with comments, but I am happy with comments, at least there are areas that I can improve ..although some stung a bit, but need to keep a positive attitude. It gives me areas to work on, and hopefully to improve...and today as well I have completed my fourth chapter, but I am still far from happy with it, I am still not confident enough to send it to my supervisor. Reading it back, I am worried that the work I have done is not enough. Sometimes I can't believe myself that I have spent 5 months writing it...it doesn't seems to be a 5 months work....is that all the conclusion I have got from all the work? Is it enough? The results are there, but it is how well did I interpret it, and how well I can express it....this is my weakness. Give me all the data, and I am more than happy to crunch the numbers, but to justify it, to explain its usefulness in the broader sense..that's where I failed....I am trying hard, may Allah shows me the path. It is His ilm, and only He can show the path...ameen

3 months + in the same spot with very little progress, need to wrap things up by end of this month...no matter what..had 2 conference presenting lining up, really need to wrap things up...ok AZRINA, need to complete this result chapter by the end of this month.....or this week?

Progress, chapter 1-3 done, chapter 4 in progress, chapter 5 & 6 are due by the end of this year....bolehkah?

Time Management

Mine has gone to drain, is it too late already? Not sure....I am really pushing myself to follow the timetable, i have to..considering that my motivation has been dwindling down...I can't be a perfectionist to complete this, need to be satisfied with what I can do, and face all the comments, be it bad or good....
Finally last weekend i have the courage to send a completed first draft of literature review, eventhough it is not up to my expectation yet, but need to get it over and done with. Alhamdulillah, with that I have completed the first 3 chapters, another 2 result chapters to go, and finally a conclusion chapter...and they are the hardest ones. The first of the 2 result chapter is the hardest, my progress has been stagnant due to unability to solve the problem to the satisfaction of my supervisor, the mystery, with not enough supporting data, it is very difficult for me to proceed with the required calculation, the best that I could do is postulate, which was done by others...but this is not enough for my supervisor, because of this, I am in limbo for the past 3 months...i need to get it over with, once and for all, and proceed with the others...i need to stand for myself..ameen, ya ALlah, please assist me in this quest....
Next chapter due, chapter 4 by August (another 2 months), and chapter 5 by October, and final chapter, and compilation by December....hope can achieve this, ameen...really need to push myself.

Clinician-Researcher

The clinician-researcher path

Spot on...extremely long years of training, for me... 6 years of medical school, 4 years of specialist training, and now 2+ years of research training (& to continue with 1 year of subspecialty training???)... I am too tired now, after all these....... not sure how the future in this path looks on...it looks pretty bleak at the moment.....my SVs are very subtle, but when they started hinting that "The worst thing can happen is when you realize there is something that should have been done 3 years ago", "There is interesting paper that you write, but if you send it right now, it will be rejected and criticized, and worst still if accepted, it will be criticized", "What you lack is the driving force, but on the other hand I think you are driving it in your quiet Malaysian way" How should I feel hearing this, after I have been working really hard on it, to the point of neglecting my family? Am I paranoid? It crushed the very essence of my motivation. Why now, why not before? Why this, after they have rated me 'outstanding' during all the previous PhD review? Adakah itu hanya diberi utk memastikan saya meneruskan pengajian utk membantu mereka menjalankan kajian itu (sebelum ini saya menjalani kajian itu seakan berseorangan). Kemudian apabila kajian itu habis, mereka tidak memerlukan saya lagi? Perasaan ini dikuatkan lagi apabila mereka berkata utk mengklonkan saya utk menjalan kajian lain di masa akan datang...

Point of no return

Point of no return, must go forward no matter how big is the obstacle.......thinking back, why do I venture into this path? I am at the lower side of mood....after a month of hard work scattered to ashes...ashes to ashes...hu hu....must remember it is a learning process.......but the demotivation is hard to accept, and I keep questioning myself again, can I continue with this, am I able to perform....maybe it is not my cup of tea, but it is too late now to withdraw, too much has already been at stake.......I must go forward.......I have invested time, money (although I am fully supported in this), and the most important thing is sacrificing my clinical experience for this, I must go forward....forward is the only way.......Ya ALlah, assist me in this, ameen

My new sanctuary

The neverending PhD saga...

Past: Literature review, hypothesis forming, data collection, retrospective data collection & analysis, journal writing and publication.
Present: Updating literature review, converting journal publications to thesis chapters, cleaning of data (2 major studies), exporting data & analysing them....
Future: Obtaining results and conclusion, defending them, writing them up for journal and thesis chapters, final conclusion of thesis...and hopefully submission.
Another 12 months to go....panic mode!!!

Panic Mode

Panic and nervous mode....how time flies. My literature review is due this coming May, but I am still totally unsatisfied with my work....

Thesis writing versus journal writing

I found it extremely difficult to concentrate on reading one journal, let alone writing the whole chapter of literature review. This is totally different compared to journal writing, as for journal writing it is short and concise. I would only concentrate on the introduction and discussion part, as the methodology and result is well taken care of with my analysis. Introduction is simple, as it outlined the aim of our analysis, and discussion looks at the current literature pertaining to the topic, and discuss our finding. Much more simpler than literature review! Because of the vast interest in the area that I am working on, there are literally hundreds if not thousands of literatures that comes out over the past 2 years. Even to read one journal took me more than 1 day (as I do not have the ability to concentrate).........now I am at loss. Don't know how can I cope with completing this chapter. Furthermore, two of the hypothesis that I would like to test in the coming trials had recently being published by other investigators.......even one chapter that I have recently published also has been recently described by other author......how can I contribute significantly to this field then? Have this phd journey trained me to become independent researcher? Or am I too dependent upon my supervisor? These questions continue to pop up in my mind...albeit the positive feedback that I received, I am constantly questioning myself. Is there light at the end of this tunnel? Yakin and tawakal to Allah swt is my only pegangan....

Looking Back

2 years on, with 1 year anniversary of no access to university building due to the earthquake.

I must have achieved something within these 2 years...if not i may have wasted all the time and money spent.
I need to list down the new skills that I acquired, at least in term of computer software skills that I have sort of mastered...
So let's see what software they are
1. Microsoft Word: I thought I knew it all, but how wrong am I
2. Microsoft Excel: am loving it each day, seeing its capability
3. FileMaker Pro: learnt it from scratch, developed 3 databases, alhamdulillah I am comfortable with it
4. GraphPad Prism: this produces excellent graph. Still learning ways to manouvre it to produce some theoretical graphs.
5. Omnigraffle: this produces excellent flow charts and diagrams
6. SPSS: again thought I knew it all, but how wrong am I. Easily produce several statistical analysis, but the graph is poor.
7. EndNote: still using this as my main bibliography rather than using papers2 because of my library that already has about 1000 papers, but this does not mean I have read it all
8. Papers: am loving this each day, especially for its capability to sync with my iPad
9. Dropbox: since the earthquake, I have started using this extensively...still remember that is the first item I grabbed before evacuating our building was my pen drive, can't imagine if I have lost it...hence, since that I have been using Dropbox extensively.
10. MatLab: another powerful statistical software that I would like to master, am still learning it. InsyaAllah. Probably LabView if time permits.

Not bad eh.....alhamdulillah...but the most important skills that I have yet, and still continuing to grasp include:
(1) research thinking: abstract thinking...to question everything, and not to just accept everything at its face value.
(2) soft skill: how to interact with your supervisor, colleagues, clinicians, nurses, patients, relatives, lab personnel, university personnel
(3) laboratory skill: very minimal, but I have learnt how to set up clinical trial, and how to run it smoothly
(4) writing skill: have learnt a lot from my supervisors
(5) presentation skill: 7 to 8 presentations within these 2 years
(6) statistical analysis skill: again learnt a lot from my supervisors
(7) time management skill: this one I think, I failed miserably...especially after working from home, but thinking back not sure if I am effective when working from office a year back...

But what I missed? CLINICAL skill.....hope to relearn back after I got back...but considering all the above, this is minimal price to pay....once an anaesthetist, will always be an anaesthetist...hope my 10 years experience doing anesthesia will help, amen

Apart from the above, I have also gained the opportunity to learn more about Islam, to be more aware about my religion.
I have been blessed by Allah with the opportunity to attend the Quranic Tafseer class, the Quranic tajweed class, and interact with few religious people to gain more knowledge about Islam, alhamdulillah. Khadijah also got to attend hafazan class, she had already memorized 24 surahs within these 3 months time. She has also acquired love for reading, and accumulates lots of book, especially her Stilton series books....alhamdulillah ya Allah. You have shown me that this is the best pathway for me, forgive me if there's any elements of doubt within myself....

12 months to go

Alhamdulillah, for everything ya Allah. May You continue to grant us peace and assistance in this endeavour

12 months to go
Need to complete
-Chapter 2 by this month
-Chapter 5 by March 2012
-Chapter 6 by April 2012
-Chapter 1 by May 2012
-Analysis of EDAKI/Chapter 3 by September 2012
-Analysis of FLAKI/Chapter 4 by November 2012
-Chapter 7 by December 2012
-Compilation of thesis by January 2013
-Submission by March 2013

May Allah blessed this journey, and assist me all the way. Need to always remind myself of my intention of completing this, may this be counted as an ibadah in the hereafter, ameen.

Only to You we worship and ask for help

Trying to understand these...but to no avail

Is it due to lack of effort? Maybe. But I am trying hard
Is it due to lots of distraction? Maybe. But I am trying hard
Is it due to lack of forgiveness? Maybe. But I am trying hard
Is it due to lots of envy? Maybe. But I am trying hard

I am trying hard to become this person who excels in what she is doing
I am trying hard to become this person who is in constant remembrance of the purpose of this life
I am trying hard to become this person who is content and tranquil
I am trying hard to become this person whom You are pleased with

I am trying hard to become better today than yesterday.
I am trying hard to become better tomorrow than today.

Only to You we turn
Only to You we pray
Only to You we ask for help
Only to You we return

Please keep our heart steadfast in Your way...siratul mustaqeem...
Please purify our heart
Please remind us always
Please choose us amongst the chosen one.......ameen Ya Allah Ya Rabbal Alamin

Treasures of Paradise

Zikir Hari Isnin, ajaran Imam Ghazali
Ubat bagi 99 penyakit, termasuk penyakit kebimbangan
Salah satu mutiara syurga
There's no power nor strength except by You, Ya Allah.
Only to You we worship, and only to You we ask for help...ameen

Bertafakur

Bertafakur atas keindahan ciptaan Illahi

Deer Park Heights, Queenstown

The Remarkables, and Queenstown Town

Bungee Jumping at Skyline Gondola

Lake Wanaka Waterfront

Lake Hawea

MasyaAllah

I am stuck again...at the same analysis that I do not know how to proceed. Need to stop and bertafakur atas keindahan ciptaan Illahi, masyaAllah

Crown Range Road, Wanaka

Crown Range Road, Wanaka

Kawarau Gorge

Kawarau Gorge

Lake Wanaka with Mount Aspiring at the background

Mount Aspiring

Mount Aspiring Campervan Park

Jalan Buntu

Apabila bertemu dgn jalan buntu, pada siapakah kita mohon bantuan? Ya Allah, tunjukkanlah jalan utk kami, terangilah jalan ini Ya Allah. Bukakan pintu ilmuMu buat kami yang hina ini. Sesungguhnya hanya kepadaMu kami meminta bantuan dan petunjuk. Amin, ya Allah, ya Rabbal Alamin...

Stupidity in Research?

Interesting article posted by a friend on FB. Love the article, it perfectly described what I have been feeling for the past 2 years, and still am. see http://jcs.biologists.org/content/121/11/1771.full

Can I stand it for another year? Albeit a good review meeting, my confidence has been dwindling down, especially after reading several articles that described most of the main analysis that I have planned for my studies.....making me wondering if I am able to make a novel contribution to enable me gaining this degree!!! But, writing this reminds me of my niat...is it the degree or knowledge that I aimed for? Need to correct my niat....O Allah, guide me in this journey, please open the path to the discovery of a minute of Your vast knowledge, ameen....

Trying to understand so many things

I am an anaesthetist, a wannabe intensivist, trying to understand nephrology....

I am a clinician, trying to understand research....

Am I too late? Supposed to endeavour on this over the past 2 years...

Only to Allah we turn for help and forgiveness.