My weight loss journey

I have a roller coaster challenges with my weight gain and loss cycle since the past 5 years. Currently overweight (BMI more than 25), and need to urgently loose weight due to my knee problems. It all started when I completed my master degree. The transition of being an MO to clinical specialist saw me gaining an exorbitant amount of 10 kg! This was mainly due to reduce activities associated with being a specialist (I do not need to run around the hospital during on call), and reducing BMR associated with increasing age. I was still complacent at that time, as my BMI is still within normal limit. But all went to ashes when I started my PhD degree. Sitting infront of computers for hours didn't help me to burn calories. In addition to food binge associated with stress and reducing BMR associated with age, saw me increased another 10 kg! Then, I started to have knee pain. My knee couldn't hold my weight anymore. I couldn't continue on like this, or else I will need a TKR in 10 years time. From then on started my roller coaster journey of weight loss. My first experience of weight loss attempt saw me consuming protein shakes. I also enrolled myself into swimming classes 3x per week, and enroute to class, I need to cycle for 5 km to and fro the swimming class. I was happy when I started to loose weight, initially 10kg loss & everybody was commenting how good I look. But then, the weight loss becomes a bit drastic, I lost another 7 kg in a matter of few months (total loss 17kg), and I started to have symptoms of tachycardia, loose stool, heat intolerance etc that prompt me to believe that I have hyperthyroidism. And true to my suspicion, I did have hyperthyroidism with thyroid level almost 3 times normal. Due to this, I need to take medication to control my symptoms. And true to my expectation, as soon as my thyroid level normalises, I started to gain weight. And the fact that I have food binge for a few months after being back in Malaysia didn't help. My weight increased to beyond overweight, and my knee pain started again.

2017 it is

My daughter asked about the existence of this blog, which prompt me to read back all my previous postings. Nostalgic indeed when reading the challenges that I have gone through completing my PhD. It will always become a bittersweet memories. And this lead us to start blogging again, as it will indeed become a memories for the future.

The end or the beginning?

Life is short. Dunya is short. Reevaluate your priorities.

What we call the beginning is often the end. And to make an end is to make a beginning. The end is where we start from.

T. S. Eliot

Thyroid and emotional disturbances

Not sure whether there is a correlation. It swings today, to the bad side, affecting others. Then, life changing experience occurs....life changing indeed, compounding my insecurities...forever, can i still blame the event that occurs 30 years ago? The insecurities...o Allah, forgive me...to those affected, forgive me

Dear self, I miss this port of unloading myself, I miss this dearly...

I am not sure what I am feeling right now, but it is not of a happy mode. It is wrong for me as a muslim to say that I am depressed. But I feel really down today. It is a feeling compounded by the uncertainty on what is the future. My patience of waiting for feedback from my supervisor has been running out. Ya Allah help me, assist me, only to You I turn. The bad2 feeling keep coming back. The dream, the expectation, the future.....i can cry anytime, but I need to always remember the good things that have been bestowed on me....

The Ocean of This Dunia

…we/you are all in the ocean of this duniya; if you panic or have anxiety about things or situations, you will drown. Just RELAX, and you will float because you are in good hands!…. [Paraphrased]

Relax, Azrina...don't worry to much, or you will drown. Leave everything to Allah....you have tried the best...ketenangan, kebergantungan kepada Allah....

Endless waiting

It has been ages since I last update my blog. It is going to be February tomorrow, oh no...that is the dateline for my thesis submission. That is my dateline, although actually extension until end of April has been approved due to the earthquake. But I have enough of these, I really want to get this over with....am too tired with this.!!! Hence, today I have sent a compilation of thesis to my supervisors. I really hope they could go over the thesis soon to enable me to submit by the end of February, and hopefully to graduate in May, ameen....Ya Allah, Ameen...

Update

This has became sort of my PhD blog, my sanctuary. It seems weird...but I think I am more incline to open up writing this blog than writing a status update in my FB page....not sure why..ha ha. This blog serves as a site to unload myself, writing nonsense sometimes, and of late this has became a blog about my PhD journey. It will be sweet memories in the future when I look back (this is another advantage of blog versus fb, I can always flick over my previous posts since 2007 (wow, not realizing that it has been 5 years I have been blogging), and it brings sweet memories...)

OK, now update on my PhD (I seems to be in a good mood, alhamdulillah...so is it good progress?) Not sure, for my part, I think I have done to the best of my ability. Now up to my supervisor to review them and give their honest comment. I must be prepared for any possiblity (hope it be a good one, and if not a good one, may I be able to stand and fight...ameen). I have sent the second draft of Chapter 1 to 3 to my first supervisor last week. This is after almost 3 weeks of lack of sleep, almost spending 15 to 18 hours per day (with only 4-5 hours of sleep). As a result of this, my immunity level went down the hill, and I caught another bouts of flu, but alhamdulillah this time it only lasted for 2 weeks. Alhamdulillah again I have received feedback from my second supervisor on Chapter 4. There are several areas to work on, but it is managaeble (I think, hopefully as I have only glanced through it). Alhamdulillah again (Ya Allah, thank you for Your many blessings), my analysis on Chapter 5 yielded some good results, I have discussed this with my second supervisor, and alhamdulillah today I have just completed my Chapter 5. Albeit, from our discussion further analysis may be needed on the study, but this is separate from the previous analysis, and if it is good, it merits another chapter. My second supervisor was telling me that "it is only October!", possibly meaning that I have time, and I should not rush into completing it. I must take a break from this constant threat to my body, and my immunity system. But this have to wait until the end of this month. This is when all became OK or not OK. This is when I am going to meet my first supervisor, my main supervisor, and he is the only who can decide that. Ya Allah, I really hope that it is okay...ameen. My second supervisor is very confident with that I am able to complete this, he even goes to say that my future in obscuring grant is good as I have PhD degree from established university, of which I quickly interrupted that this is not yet certain....I just wish that I have his confidence as well. However, confidence may lead me resting on my laurel, whereas uncertainty will make me work harder each day, but I hope not to the state of jeopardizing my health, my family, and my long-term goal....afterall it is only a piece of paper, it is the journey that matter, not the end...and at the end, this degree is not needed for the advancement of my career..but the experience of research and publication will. A reminder for me, this is not only for the advancement of my career, this is for the advancement of knowledge, and hopefully I can share it with other colleagues and students in the near future....

Trying to make sense of all these

Trying hard to make sense of all these, trying to justify that what I am doing is worthwhile & I'm not wasting these 3 years chasing nothing....

Love reading this...I am not alone!!!
http://thesiswhisperer.com/2012/05/08/the-valley-of-shit/

Update and Rambling

Not in the mood of writing a lengthy piece due to this constant headache that has been my 'best friend' since the past 2-3 months. This coupled with generalized body ache....sign of severe stress...stress to complete this work (that I have totally loss the motivation to go on with). 

Update: 1st draft of Chapter 4 sent

2nd draft of Chapter 2 & 3 completed, but not sent yet (need to wait for Chapter 1). Revision of Chapter 1 took longer than expected, mainly due to me loosing interest to do it (or even read it...hence me wasting precious time...after 1 month revising it, I manage to complete 2/3 of it, but it still need a lot of work to do) Dateline in 1 week time, may need to postpone by mid October......

Chapter 5 is my constant worry and fear. After almost 2 years of data collection (& thousands of data collected), the preliminary result is not that convincing...oh no, is it worth it? Need to discuss this further, and the cycle begins...need to justify, postulate etc etc etc (should it take me another 5 months for this as I have done in Chapter 4?) Ya ALlah guideth me, ameen...

By the 28th September

28th September dateline:
To complete 2nd draft of Chapter 1 to 3, and first draft of Chapter 4.
Chapter 1 to 3 for ZE to review, and Chapter 4 for JP to review.
Chapter 5 to continue analysis and writing

Reward: iPhone 5?....insyaAllah

It's hard..nobody tell me this before!!!

I am loosing the confidence to complete this. It is hard, extremely hard.....The results are there, but I have trouble to express it effectively, and to draw the conclusion from it. I am loosing my confidence (& almost my mind!) facing this dilemma day in and day out. Di tika dan ketika hati kurang senang dan kurang tenteram, berbagai ingatan lalu....pengorbanan diri ini, adakah dihargai sepenuhnya?

ALhamdulillah, syukur nikmat Allah

Praise be to Allah for all the blessings. All are from Him, and only to Him we return. All that happen is according to His plan, all are for the greater good for ourselves. Syukur, syukur, syukur.

And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.' "

Crisis of confidence

Today is the day of the annual 3MT competition at our campus....last year I participated, and alhamdulillah I won...I am happy, and it did wonders in my self confidence...but then it came dwindling down again. This is the peril of the loneliness of phd, where we keep on doubting ourselves....

Earlier this year I keep on postponing from sending my literature review to my supervisor, mainly because I did not believe it is adequate or up to standard. But because of the tight schedule, I did sent it eventually...and today I received the feedback. The comments started with 'you've done fantastically well'.....and ends with 'well done'. I should be happy shouldn't I? I am, but only for a while....then I begin to doubt that the positive words are there to keep my spirit up, after reading the individual comments. Of course, as expected it is inundated with comments, but I am happy with comments, at least there are areas that I can improve ..although some stung a bit, but need to keep a positive attitude. It gives me areas to work on, and hopefully to improve...and today as well I have completed my fourth chapter, but I am still far from happy with it, I am still not confident enough to send it to my supervisor. Reading it back, I am worried that the work I have done is not enough. Sometimes I can't believe myself that I have spent 5 months writing it...it doesn't seems to be a 5 months work....is that all the conclusion I have got from all the work? Is it enough? The results are there, but it is how well did I interpret it, and how well I can express it....this is my weakness. Give me all the data, and I am more than happy to crunch the numbers, but to justify it, to explain its usefulness in the broader sense..that's where I failed....I am trying hard, may Allah shows me the path. It is His ilm, and only He can show the path...ameen

3 months + in the same spot with very little progress, need to wrap things up by end of this month...no matter what..had 2 conference presenting lining up, really need to wrap things up...ok AZRINA, need to complete this result chapter by the end of this month.....or this week?

Progress, chapter 1-3 done, chapter 4 in progress, chapter 5 & 6 are due by the end of this year....bolehkah?

Time Management

Mine has gone to drain, is it too late already? Not sure....I am really pushing myself to follow the timetable, i have to..considering that my motivation has been dwindling down...I can't be a perfectionist to complete this, need to be satisfied with what I can do, and face all the comments, be it bad or good....
Finally last weekend i have the courage to send a completed first draft of literature review, eventhough it is not up to my expectation yet, but need to get it over and done with. Alhamdulillah, with that I have completed the first 3 chapters, another 2 result chapters to go, and finally a conclusion chapter...and they are the hardest ones. The first of the 2 result chapter is the hardest, my progress has been stagnant due to unability to solve the problem to the satisfaction of my supervisor, the mystery, with not enough supporting data, it is very difficult for me to proceed with the required calculation, the best that I could do is postulate, which was done by others...but this is not enough for my supervisor, because of this, I am in limbo for the past 3 months...i need to get it over with, once and for all, and proceed with the others...i need to stand for myself..ameen, ya ALlah, please assist me in this quest....
Next chapter due, chapter 4 by August (another 2 months), and chapter 5 by October, and final chapter, and compilation by December....hope can achieve this, ameen...really need to push myself.

Clinician-Researcher

The clinician-researcher path

Spot on...extremely long years of training, for me... 6 years of medical school, 4 years of specialist training, and now 2+ years of research training (& to continue with 1 year of subspecialty training???)... I am too tired now, after all these....... not sure how the future in this path looks on...it looks pretty bleak at the moment.....my SVs are very subtle, but when they started hinting that "The worst thing can happen is when you realize there is something that should have been done 3 years ago", "There is interesting paper that you write, but if you send it right now, it will be rejected and criticized, and worst still if accepted, it will be criticized", "What you lack is the driving force, but on the other hand I think you are driving it in your quiet Malaysian way" How should I feel hearing this, after I have been working really hard on it, to the point of neglecting my family? Am I paranoid? It crushed the very essence of my motivation. Why now, why not before? Why this, after they have rated me 'outstanding' during all the previous PhD review? Adakah itu hanya diberi utk memastikan saya meneruskan pengajian utk membantu mereka menjalankan kajian itu (sebelum ini saya menjalani kajian itu seakan berseorangan). Kemudian apabila kajian itu habis, mereka tidak memerlukan saya lagi? Perasaan ini dikuatkan lagi apabila mereka berkata utk mengklonkan saya utk menjalan kajian lain di masa akan datang...

Point of no return

Point of no return, must go forward no matter how big is the obstacle.......thinking back, why do I venture into this path? I am at the lower side of mood....after a month of hard work scattered to ashes...ashes to ashes...hu hu....must remember it is a learning process.......but the demotivation is hard to accept, and I keep questioning myself again, can I continue with this, am I able to perform....maybe it is not my cup of tea, but it is too late now to withdraw, too much has already been at stake.......I must go forward.......I have invested time, money (although I am fully supported in this), and the most important thing is sacrificing my clinical experience for this, I must go forward....forward is the only way.......Ya ALlah, assist me in this, ameen

My new sanctuary