Update

This has became sort of my PhD blog, my sanctuary. It seems weird...but I think I am more incline to open up writing this blog than writing a status update in my FB page....not sure why..ha ha. This blog serves as a site to unload myself, writing nonsense sometimes, and of late this has became a blog about my PhD journey. It will be sweet memories in the future when I look back (this is another advantage of blog versus fb, I can always flick over my previous posts since 2007 (wow, not realizing that it has been 5 years I have been blogging), and it brings sweet memories...)

OK, now update on my PhD (I seems to be in a good mood, alhamdulillah...so is it good progress?) Not sure, for my part, I think I have done to the best of my ability. Now up to my supervisor to review them and give their honest comment. I must be prepared for any possiblity (hope it be a good one, and if not a good one, may I be able to stand and fight...ameen). I have sent the second draft of Chapter 1 to 3 to my first supervisor last week. This is after almost 3 weeks of lack of sleep, almost spending 15 to 18 hours per day (with only 4-5 hours of sleep). As a result of this, my immunity level went down the hill, and I caught another bouts of flu, but alhamdulillah this time it only lasted for 2 weeks. Alhamdulillah again I have received feedback from my second supervisor on Chapter 4. There are several areas to work on, but it is managaeble (I think, hopefully as I have only glanced through it). Alhamdulillah again (Ya Allah, thank you for Your many blessings), my analysis on Chapter 5 yielded some good results, I have discussed this with my second supervisor, and alhamdulillah today I have just completed my Chapter 5. Albeit, from our discussion further analysis may be needed on the study, but this is separate from the previous analysis, and if it is good, it merits another chapter. My second supervisor was telling me that "it is only October!", possibly meaning that I have time, and I should not rush into completing it. I must take a break from this constant threat to my body, and my immunity system. But this have to wait until the end of this month. This is when all became OK or not OK. This is when I am going to meet my first supervisor, my main supervisor, and he is the only who can decide that. Ya Allah, I really hope that it is okay...ameen. My second supervisor is very confident with that I am able to complete this, he even goes to say that my future in obscuring grant is good as I have PhD degree from established university, of which I quickly interrupted that this is not yet certain....I just wish that I have his confidence as well. However, confidence may lead me resting on my laurel, whereas uncertainty will make me work harder each day, but I hope not to the state of jeopardizing my health, my family, and my long-term goal....afterall it is only a piece of paper, it is the journey that matter, not the end...and at the end, this degree is not needed for the advancement of my career..but the experience of research and publication will. A reminder for me, this is not only for the advancement of my career, this is for the advancement of knowledge, and hopefully I can share it with other colleagues and students in the near future....

Trying to make sense of all these

Trying hard to make sense of all these, trying to justify that what I am doing is worthwhile & I'm not wasting these 3 years chasing nothing....

Love reading this...I am not alone!!!
http://thesiswhisperer.com/2012/05/08/the-valley-of-shit/

Update and Rambling

Not in the mood of writing a lengthy piece due to this constant headache that has been my 'best friend' since the past 2-3 months. This coupled with generalized body ache....sign of severe stress...stress to complete this work (that I have totally loss the motivation to go on with). 

Update: 1st draft of Chapter 4 sent

2nd draft of Chapter 2 & 3 completed, but not sent yet (need to wait for Chapter 1). Revision of Chapter 1 took longer than expected, mainly due to me loosing interest to do it (or even read it...hence me wasting precious time...after 1 month revising it, I manage to complete 2/3 of it, but it still need a lot of work to do) Dateline in 1 week time, may need to postpone by mid October......

Chapter 5 is my constant worry and fear. After almost 2 years of data collection (& thousands of data collected), the preliminary result is not that convincing...oh no, is it worth it? Need to discuss this further, and the cycle begins...need to justify, postulate etc etc etc (should it take me another 5 months for this as I have done in Chapter 4?) Ya ALlah guideth me, ameen...

By the 28th September

28th September dateline:
To complete 2nd draft of Chapter 1 to 3, and first draft of Chapter 4.
Chapter 1 to 3 for ZE to review, and Chapter 4 for JP to review.
Chapter 5 to continue analysis and writing

Reward: iPhone 5?....insyaAllah

It's hard..nobody tell me this before!!!

I am loosing the confidence to complete this. It is hard, extremely hard.....The results are there, but I have trouble to express it effectively, and to draw the conclusion from it. I am loosing my confidence (& almost my mind!) facing this dilemma day in and day out. Di tika dan ketika hati kurang senang dan kurang tenteram, berbagai ingatan lalu....pengorbanan diri ini, adakah dihargai sepenuhnya?

ALhamdulillah, syukur nikmat Allah

Praise be to Allah for all the blessings. All are from Him, and only to Him we return. All that happen is according to His plan, all are for the greater good for ourselves. Syukur, syukur, syukur.

And [remember] when your Lord proclaimed, 'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you [in favor]; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.' "

Crisis of confidence

Today is the day of the annual 3MT competition at our campus....last year I participated, and alhamdulillah I won...I am happy, and it did wonders in my self confidence...but then it came dwindling down again. This is the peril of the loneliness of phd, where we keep on doubting ourselves....

Earlier this year I keep on postponing from sending my literature review to my supervisor, mainly because I did not believe it is adequate or up to standard. But because of the tight schedule, I did sent it eventually...and today I received the feedback. The comments started with 'you've done fantastically well'.....and ends with 'well done'. I should be happy shouldn't I? I am, but only for a while....then I begin to doubt that the positive words are there to keep my spirit up, after reading the individual comments. Of course, as expected it is inundated with comments, but I am happy with comments, at least there are areas that I can improve ..although some stung a bit, but need to keep a positive attitude. It gives me areas to work on, and hopefully to improve...and today as well I have completed my fourth chapter, but I am still far from happy with it, I am still not confident enough to send it to my supervisor. Reading it back, I am worried that the work I have done is not enough. Sometimes I can't believe myself that I have spent 5 months writing it...it doesn't seems to be a 5 months work....is that all the conclusion I have got from all the work? Is it enough? The results are there, but it is how well did I interpret it, and how well I can express it....this is my weakness. Give me all the data, and I am more than happy to crunch the numbers, but to justify it, to explain its usefulness in the broader sense..that's where I failed....I am trying hard, may Allah shows me the path. It is His ilm, and only He can show the path...ameen