Time Management

Mine has gone to drain, is it too late already? Not sure....I am really pushing myself to follow the timetable, i have to..considering that my motivation has been dwindling down...I can't be a perfectionist to complete this, need to be satisfied with what I can do, and face all the comments, be it bad or good....
Finally last weekend i have the courage to send a completed first draft of literature review, eventhough it is not up to my expectation yet, but need to get it over and done with. Alhamdulillah, with that I have completed the first 3 chapters, another 2 result chapters to go, and finally a conclusion chapter...and they are the hardest ones. The first of the 2 result chapter is the hardest, my progress has been stagnant due to unability to solve the problem to the satisfaction of my supervisor, the mystery, with not enough supporting data, it is very difficult for me to proceed with the required calculation, the best that I could do is postulate, which was done by others...but this is not enough for my supervisor, because of this, I am in limbo for the past 3 months...i need to get it over with, once and for all, and proceed with the others...i need to stand for myself..ameen, ya ALlah, please assist me in this quest....
Next chapter due, chapter 4 by August (another 2 months), and chapter 5 by October, and final chapter, and compilation by December....hope can achieve this, ameen...really need to push myself.

Clinician-Researcher

The clinician-researcher path

Spot on...extremely long years of training, for me... 6 years of medical school, 4 years of specialist training, and now 2+ years of research training (& to continue with 1 year of subspecialty training???)... I am too tired now, after all these....... not sure how the future in this path looks on...it looks pretty bleak at the moment.....my SVs are very subtle, but when they started hinting that "The worst thing can happen is when you realize there is something that should have been done 3 years ago", "There is interesting paper that you write, but if you send it right now, it will be rejected and criticized, and worst still if accepted, it will be criticized", "What you lack is the driving force, but on the other hand I think you are driving it in your quiet Malaysian way" How should I feel hearing this, after I have been working really hard on it, to the point of neglecting my family? Am I paranoid? It crushed the very essence of my motivation. Why now, why not before? Why this, after they have rated me 'outstanding' during all the previous PhD review? Adakah itu hanya diberi utk memastikan saya meneruskan pengajian utk membantu mereka menjalankan kajian itu (sebelum ini saya menjalani kajian itu seakan berseorangan). Kemudian apabila kajian itu habis, mereka tidak memerlukan saya lagi? Perasaan ini dikuatkan lagi apabila mereka berkata utk mengklonkan saya utk menjalan kajian lain di masa akan datang...

Point of no return

Point of no return, must go forward no matter how big is the obstacle.......thinking back, why do I venture into this path? I am at the lower side of mood....after a month of hard work scattered to ashes...ashes to ashes...hu hu....must remember it is a learning process.......but the demotivation is hard to accept, and I keep questioning myself again, can I continue with this, am I able to perform....maybe it is not my cup of tea, but it is too late now to withdraw, too much has already been at stake.......I must go forward.......I have invested time, money (although I am fully supported in this), and the most important thing is sacrificing my clinical experience for this, I must go forward....forward is the only way.......Ya ALlah, assist me in this, ameen

My new sanctuary

The neverending PhD saga...

Past: Literature review, hypothesis forming, data collection, retrospective data collection & analysis, journal writing and publication.
Present: Updating literature review, converting journal publications to thesis chapters, cleaning of data (2 major studies), exporting data & analysing them....
Future: Obtaining results and conclusion, defending them, writing them up for journal and thesis chapters, final conclusion of thesis...and hopefully submission.
Another 12 months to go....panic mode!!!

Panic Mode

Panic and nervous mode....how time flies. My literature review is due this coming May, but I am still totally unsatisfied with my work....

Thesis writing versus journal writing

I found it extremely difficult to concentrate on reading one journal, let alone writing the whole chapter of literature review. This is totally different compared to journal writing, as for journal writing it is short and concise. I would only concentrate on the introduction and discussion part, as the methodology and result is well taken care of with my analysis. Introduction is simple, as it outlined the aim of our analysis, and discussion looks at the current literature pertaining to the topic, and discuss our finding. Much more simpler than literature review! Because of the vast interest in the area that I am working on, there are literally hundreds if not thousands of literatures that comes out over the past 2 years. Even to read one journal took me more than 1 day (as I do not have the ability to concentrate).........now I am at loss. Don't know how can I cope with completing this chapter. Furthermore, two of the hypothesis that I would like to test in the coming trials had recently being published by other investigators.......even one chapter that I have recently published also has been recently described by other author......how can I contribute significantly to this field then? Have this phd journey trained me to become independent researcher? Or am I too dependent upon my supervisor? These questions continue to pop up in my mind...albeit the positive feedback that I received, I am constantly questioning myself. Is there light at the end of this tunnel? Yakin and tawakal to Allah swt is my only pegangan....